[ Easy affection. A candle in the dark. A solid, real hand to grab instead of hitting the bottom, I want you to know I finally understand.
Brothers first.
Not sure what the emotional equivalent of almost reflexively punching some water is. Probably a very brief jolt of equal parts anger, fear, and protectiveness. His apologies, Leo, let him balance that out with, dare he say, more confusion. ]
And we're all gonna get outta here.
[ Raph believes that.
He believes it whether he really believes it or not.
There are a lot of things a turtle can substitute with grit and frankly unhinged depths of stubbornness. Hope is one of those things, right.
(... it's weird to hear Leo say "if." "You guys," like he's separate. Don't care for that one bit.) ]
[There's a bone deep exhaustion to Leo's face as he looks up at Raph. A reality he's been turning over in his mind since he got here months ago, one he's come to accept now with the promise Hunter made him. Raph doesn't know. Or maybe doesn't want to know and has politely looked the other way at every opportunity.]
...Yeah, you're right. You guys are definitely gonna get back home.
[Not 'out of here' this time; Leo has determined he'll get out of Temple Horizon. Just maybe not 'home'.]
I tried to make it easy when I could. [Keeping the guys focused when they all got unruly. Making sure they had the bigger picture in mind, bringing up things he thought were obvious when he realized they weren't. All little things just to help Raph lead.]
....Did... Don talk to you? About. [He should talk about it. It's the whole point of why they're doing this. But why is it so hard?] About what happened.
[ Okay yeah. Did not imagine that "you guys" situation. That's a purposeful line being drawn. There's something he doesn't know that he should know. Or that he knows and maybe doesn't know he knows the way that he was supposed to know he knows it?
Anxiety is already starting to creep in. Like most of Raph's feelings, it only really comes in sledgehammer strength. A do something fix it bleeding into self-directed irritation, that he's never learned to cut back as much as he's learned it usually works out better if he can keep himself on a leash until it eases up.
They're here together. Whatever it is, they'll figure it out. ]
Depends on what 'what' you mean. I hate to say it, but we got a 'what happened' list about as long as both my arms put together. [ That's probably not super helpful.
There's still a list if he narrows it down to generally what they're here for. But it's a less huge list. ] He, uh. He showed me some of what happened after the escape pods?
[ He doesn't regret what he did, there, but he does feel guilty. Especially seeing the fallout he wasn't there for.
Leo angry. Really actually angry. Pushing through, no stopping to think first, not listening. Raph remembers as much as he remembers other parts of what Leo said to get through to him. Like half a dream, a little warped, you didn't yell because you were mad, you yelled because you were scared. ]
I feel like maybe that's not exactly what you mean.
[He figured Don and Raph talked over at Egg, more than either would ever really tell him. But knowing that Raph saw how Leo was immediately after... There's a little bit of shame there. He's never just lost his temper before, hates even remembering he has one. But that Raph saw... He isn't sure what to think about it.
But there is a long "what happened" list if he's being honest. He rubs at the back of his neck with trembling hands.]
Y-yeah. There was.. It was a lot that day.
["That day", because it's been months now in this place.] Sorry you had to see it.
[Just do it. Rip off the band-aid, fast and quick. Sometimes it's good to ease Raph into things, but sometimes you do just have to do it quick.]
I was talking about after the portal cut off. I-
[Just fucking say it. Stop hesitating. He's gone out of his way to talk around it, allude, hint, but never just outright say it. Raph deserves that much from him after what he did.] I died in there, Raph. Right before this place.
[ For as hard a time as he sometimes has wrapping his head around how Leo thinks, for as poorly as it went, he could see it for what it was.
He's done the same thing before, after all.
(Some part of himself he tends not to look at, childlike and hidden away in the back of his mind, holds onto the fact that Leo was trying to find him the whole time like it's a life raft.)
There are many things Raph's ready to expect to follow at the tail end there.
"I died in there" is not one of them. That fully does not compute. Confusion, in a strange drawn-back sort of form. Like the water at a shore might start to pull away when a giant wave is coming. ]
But we saved you. I was there for that part.
[ It wasn't even like a thing he heard after the fact?? Sir? ]
[Ho boy. That reaction tells him everything in very quick succession. He wants to both thank and also strangle Donnie for keeping his promise to not talk about it.
He stares up at his big brother, a face that Raph probably saw a million times growing up. His little brother in blue scared and guilty. He knows he has to explain it all.]
I haven't gotten there yet.
How- I know you and Dee are from months ahead of mine, but how much did you talk to him and Casey Junior about the timeline stuff? And how we changed the future, created a split timeline, all of that?
Raph takes a brief and incriminating few seconds of silence. Everything and everyone was kind of a mess right after the fact. There's honestly not much about that first week or so that he remembers super clearly. ]
Not much. I know it got all sci-fi and branchy. So CJ's future isn't gone-gone, but it also, uh. Is. Gone. [ By the time he did get the basic rundown, if he's totally honest, he didn't... care too much about the details.
Like, he cared, but the first and most important priority was being grateful and relieved that they all made it through. That even with the injuries and the laundry list of necessary medical procedures and the nightmares and the scarcity of supplies what with New York being a whole mess, he had his family in reach. Alive.
Very something-something timeline time travel anyway the point is no, Casey Junior will not be fading out of existence like in Back to the Future, Raph, he's a permanent addition to the family.
Which he didn't have complaints about. The kid's both very nice and a real lifesaver. ]
And I know you got here from before we got you out. [ Which he's worried about if he thinks about it too long. Stubborn determination that everyone's gonna get out of here and go where they want is the end goal. What he's always gonna be trying to push towards.
He doesn't know what Leo's situation looks like if there's no putting people back in the moment they came from, though. Time-wise.
What happens if they opened that portal and there was no Leo in any kind of shape to pull through it? But Leo ends up where he got taken from like, months later, because he was there and got nabbed for this stupid cult at the worst possible moment? How does Leo get saved again if he ends up back there but it's changed so that they all think they lost him?
How would that even mix into the dumb time travel stuff they already have going on? ]
So-- what, you think you're from a different one? [ wait they have two canonical timelines already ] A different different one.
[ At no point did Raph apply the 2+2 of the canonical timeline branches to their whole personal time situation here. He has fully been on team "oh yeah we all technically came from different days, but we'll figure it out, I dunno."
Because plans, he can do. Kill a big snake. Keep people as safe as he can until they get there. Strategies with complex timeline ramifications, he's not really built for.
(Respectfully with all his heart, he hates everything about it and a lot about what is happening here.) ]
[He feels all that. Lets it wash over him, that apprehension and fear. The worry from his big brother about the possibilities he can conceive of, different from what Leo's focused on while he's been here.
It isn't a bad thing. It's just different; they've always looked at different angles of the same thing and put it together.]
I mean, probably? I just- I felt it. For a split second before I woke up here.
[For that brief moment before he opened his eyes on the temple floor, he felt his heart stop. His thoughts go empty and the darkness starting to come for him before this place swept him up into its grasp instead.
He can't help how his own memory of the moments flash in the reflection behind him, the arms of that robotic exosuit built to destroy and conquer crashing into and cracking his shell, his bones underneath, hit after hit.
He's trembling as he sits here, clenching his eyes shut for a minute before he looks back up at Raph. There's another unspoken apology there. He isn't asking Raph to understand the complexities of timelines and splits and all that. Just to understand that the Leo in front of him might not be the one they got out before it was too late.]
Can't really prove it one way or the other but... I'm. I'm pretty sure. Talked with Dee about it some, but he's too stubborn to listen to me. Hunter- [He bites on his bottom lip thinking for a second.] Hunter's kinda guessed at it.
[ Okay. Alright. Okay. Raph goes ahead and thinks that very hard at himself, okay, tries to make it into a mental anchor, watches the images flash on the water and tries to not get overwhelmed by wanting to tear a hole in dimensions himself and pull up to rip the tongue out of that chewed-up gumwad's mouth just for a start--
Leo is Leo. If there were ten Leos in here with him they'd all be his, and anyone who touches them anyone who takes them away anything that tries it--
(Succeeded. Somewhere. Some time.
It's not okay.)
And that knocks the wind out of his metaphorical sails. Maybe not in the full scope of science or detailed understanding of the theory, and why Leo even feels sorry goes right into the confusion vortex, but. The concept. What Leo is saying, what Leo was feeling.
Leo will feel it when that comes home to roost. Less because of an extensive emotional sledgehammer and more because after about two seconds of a too-big, discordant mess-
- a grief so crushingly heavy he couldn't stand through it, "one day you will understand-" get it together, Leo's right here, he's right here, he needs- guiltguiltguilt- even a broken stupid cult kidnapping system clock is right twice a day, apparently- "the sacrifice we must make-"
- Raph looks back to Leo and maybe panics a little bit, and slams up the best emotional wall he can commit to on the fly. Just need a minute. Just need to fortify for a minute until that eases up, because this isn't about him. It's about Leo. Raph can feel feelings about things literally whenever he wants.
He reaches out with his hands instead, in this place and in the real world, a careful grab, straddling the line between attempted comfort and reassuring himself that Leo's there to reach for at all. ]
We'll figure somethin' out. Okay? I don't know what somethin' looks like yet, but we're definitely gonna figure it. I promise. You're gonna be fine.
[ They just absolutely a hundred percent... can't... send Leo back the way he came from. Once all this is over.
But that's probably plenty of time to figure out other options. ]
[For just that split second, he feels it, feels those words. A woman's voice, sad and regretful- Before Raph blocks it out, hides it away.
What is he hiding? What had Raph heard? But feeling how protective Raph is hearing it all, it... Feels different than Don's stubborn need to try and 'save' him. He lets his hands (and entire forearms, really) be taken, turning his wrists so he can grip Raph's wrists right back. Brotherly bonds, brotherly handholding, it's allowed. He's never shied away from physical affection with them and he wasn't about to start now.
But now he's going to wonder. He should tell his brother the other part.]
We will, yeah. Um. Hunter kinda - We talked some. And he offered to let me go with him if we ever find a way out of this place. [It's not the same as going home home, but it's still... Sort of home. In a way. He's thought about the logistics, that the Boiling Isles has a portal to the east coast, and he could easily portal himself to Manhattan for visits.]
[ The handholding is already very helpful. Loosens some coil of tension. Settles his nerves. Leo's right here. He's right here. They can figure out anything as long as he's still here.
Raph sends a half-distracted little push for later. The voice, the wondering. One of the other things he wanted to bring to this. It wouldn't be great right this second.
There's no real way to keep anyone safe or okay in this place, but alive at the end when the dust settles-- that's always worth moving towards, right? Still alive? If there's somewhere to go, there's somewhere to figure out the healing after it.
He'd rip his own heart out if it would make a good safe landing pad for his brothers. For whoever came after that, he guesses, down the line. And whatever awful world-ending thing no one ever told them about that they gotta clean up next.
(Because it seems like there's always another thing around the corner. Every time they think that's it, and they won for real, for good, they're ready for whatever's next, something bigger gets dug up that's worse than they know how to be ready for.
He's tired. They're not even home anymore and thinking about it makes him tired.
How safe of a landing pad is that by comparison, after a place like the temple?)
The Boiling Isles aren't... bad, from what Hunter's talked about. Belos is gone, Hunter's got his friends there, it would be safe. Probably a lot of cleanup work to keep busy with, busy can be good. Lots of normal-life opportunities. Living in the open.
Another complicated little mix. Not a closed-door spiral in the fashion of that initial reaction. But happy, sad, worried, confused. A belated realization that the killing the snake and getting everyone somewhere they wanna be means a lot of people he cares about here... not being in reach anymore. The weird preemptive grief that comes with that.
Relief. Hunter and Leo would take care of each other if they stuck together. Protect each other. No question.
It's a couple thing anyway, right? Pick a place, move in together? That's not bad, either. He wouldn't expect Korone or Eve to move into a sewer lair if their whole thing with Donnie got to that point.
Just. ]
Would you... [ Ugh. What if he wasn't bad at words one of these times, actually. One single time. ] You'd still try to reach us, though? If that's what you do?
[ The Royal Us. "Us who've been here with you and gone through all this with you," "other us in your timeline who think they failed you and maybe can't even find you in the ninpo right now."
Reach us. Let us know you're really safe.
Raph assumes the answer is yes, honestly, because this is Leo.
It would just help to hear it out loud. He is going to be a little bit needy as a treat. ]
[A relief. Raph isn't mad. He isn't yelling or anything. Not that he thought his brother would, but there's always the 0.000001% chance he can't rule out. Leo readjusts his grip on his brother's arms, holding him steady there, letting those feelings wash over him. Through him, understanding easily.
He smiles.]
Of course, I would. They've got a portal door to Connecticut and I can just hop over to Manhattan from there no problem. Couldn't get rid of me if you tried.
[It's easy to promise, to reassure. He fully believes it. And it helps that Raph isn't stubbornly refusing to accept what Leo's put in front of him like Donnie. Donnie frustrated him because he kept making the whole thing about Donnie and ignored everything Leo was saying, was trying to say. Leo felt like he was talking to a brick wall constantly when this comes up with his twin. But Raph is understanding it. It's making the reality a lot easier.
The amount of appreciation and love coming through Leo's side isn't entirely quantifiable. But it's powerful.]
[ There is in fact always at least a 0.000001% chance that Raph's first choice will be yelling. He's trying to not do that again in this conversation, but one never truly knows.
Raph will keep this reassurance in the special pocket of his heart where all the genuinely reassuring things go. Pin it up right next to the killing the snake god goal. Pin a copy of it on the vision board of all the reasons to push through whatever this place does, tooth and nail, until everyone comes back out.
Leo has somewhere to go. Somewhere guaranteed safe, somewhere connected to home. Leo planned for that, Hunter planned for it. He didn't- he didn't just not say anything and not try to change it.
Leo's saying it now. A longer road home. Not a goodbye. ]
We wouldn't wanna. We love you.
[ Always. And forever. And then some. If it stings a little bit to only be hearing about this now, if Raph's ready supply of generalized guilt kicks up a fuss in his chest about Leo having to figure this situation out at all--
Well, even Raph knows when he's the pot and someone else is the kettle, sometimes. Considering how devotedly he steps around the specific details of his pang of empathy, he'd have no legs to stand on.
Donnie cares as hard as any of them, so basically enough to power a sun. He wants to be able to fix things. Keep everyone safe. Raph thinks Donnie feels better about solutions he's part of because it means Donnie and his big brain know that all the moving parts work for sure. And he thinks Donnie gets snagged on different different angles and forgets to take a step back once in a while.
The times that lines up with sensitive subjects aren't usually... great.
The image of a Rubik's cube with only one side matched up. Fondness. Time-perfected older brotherly dry resignation. ]
Hueso would hold a grudge if you skipped town permanently anyway.
[ Nah his dumb ass is fully trying not to cry. How do people cope with humor instead of crying. It's inconceivable. ]
[it's difficult to fully express the amount of gratitude and affection Leo feels for his older brother in this moment. It's an overwhelming feeling, threatening to spill over, coloring his entire side of the waterfall that electric blue he has in his heart and soul.
He takes a deep breath before letting out a quiet little laugh at that. Squeezes Raph's forearms again.]
I think he probably would, yeah. Got a big enough tab I owe him for.
[He knows Hueso is also soft on him. Wouldn't let Leo skip town without a real talk.]
[ Oh, wow. There he go. It's infectious. If not for all the exact same reasons, considering the subject at hand, then at least for stuff with the same roots.
Understanding. Being understood. Chipping away at figuring out talking at his brothers versus talking to them. He's been trying to get better about that since Shredder. It's a lot of built-up habit. Like most stuff he tries to figure out, he figures he's gonna have to mess it up pretty bad before he starts to get it. Anger, restraint, patience, real teamwork, leading, listening, asking for help somewhere between needing it and imploding about it.
The list could go on.
It means a lot that his brothers have always been willing to wait him out. He knows he doesn't exactly make it easy.
Surprising probably exactly no one, he is going for hug time. It's the most important first step of the "if anything touches Leo again maybe I tone-match the snake cult and eviscerate something about it, that's normal and reasonable and feasible" plan.
The narration doesn't know how to classify that emotionally. Anxiety to hypothetical anger pipeline??? Raph loves doing that cool thing where he feels 4+ things at once very strongly and has learned to mostly surf the wave until he can pick one. Who can even really say anymore. ]
[He isn't wasting a second going in for that hug, pulling Raph in as best he can. He's simultaneously relieved and also sad that his brother got dragged here, but at the very least they can talk like this.
Leo knows he would do the same for Raph if anyone hurt him maliciously. There is nothing that would stop him. He wants nothing more than for his family to be safe - both his family from home, and the new family they picked up here.]
[ A family can be two brothers who are already family committing to violent extremes together. Fact: everything immediately feels a little bit better when hugging.
Raph probably shouldn't register that emotional equivalent of "likewise, it would be on sight and without mercy" and mostly think that's sweet, and yet. ]
I was due. [ There are many timeline branches of even this conversation where he super didn't, probably. Raph doesn't mind being in the one where he could. ] Thanks for tellin' me.
[ He still needs to figure out how to say some things. Or where to start? Apologies, mostly, for not listening, not explaining better, for scaring him. Trying to figure the way to explain he doesn't blame him so he'll understand Raph means it. The selfish curl of relief and gratitude that came from seeing Leo was trying to go back for him from about the second his feet hit the ground.
He doesn't regret getting him out, kinda has to acknowledge that it wasn't a good idea as the resident turtle who got his little brother thrown off a roof one time (for starters), but. It's still nice.
Some tiny, persistent part of him always tells him no one else is coming, when it's just him who needs it. He doesn't know how to get rid of that. At least the rest of him understands that they always were.
Words hard, though. And there's time. He'll get his brain wrapped around it eventually. ]
Wasn't really sure how to for a while there at the start when you got here because of Belos and that whole thing, and then it was awkward how long you were here without me telling you and-
You get it. [He knows his brother gets it. They've been on more or less a similar wave length for years now, except the times they aren't. But he feels all of that, accepts it. Opens his emotional arms up to hug those feelings as tight as he's hugging Raph in the mind-scape and physically in his room.
The whole area feels more comfortable, less ominous. Truly the best place for a trust fall between them.]
Seriously, it's- I've got a plan with some contingencies thought out. It'll be fine.
[ He likes it better when he can say that and really mean it. They always do a lot better when they're on track. ]
You ever need our help with that, let us know. [ He'll learn to simply punch a hole in dimensions if he has to. ] 'cause I'm gonna worry anyway, but it's not personal.
I mean, it's personal 'cause I'm gonna be worried, but uh.
[ ?????? ]
I'm not doin' it... at you? It's just what my brain's gonna do.
[ There, nailed it, it's fine, Leo's a good translator he'll figure it out.
Still, there's definitely a bleeding off of tension, an easing up of the vice-like grip that that complicated grief-horror-despair had around his chest. The preexisting touch of aimless anxiety he'd had about Leo's whole situation feels lighter.
It does feel like that's at least one thing off the plate. On a smaller adjacent plate. ]
[And he does understand. It's the same way he worries about all of them even when he knows they've probably got things handled. It's just how family is. But there's relief there as well; knowing that even if he has thought everything through with backups and contingencies, they still have his back if things don't work. It means a lot.
Leo lets out a slow exhale, taking in the feeling of the mental-scape water behind them. A huge weight off his shoulders having finally talked this out with Raph. It had been so much to keep to himself.]
You're good with everything else though? Like - snake cult, we're definitely killing that snake and making some jackets or boots or something out of it, but besides that I mean.
[ Oh good, Leo remembers that killing the snake is very important and necessary.
Raph has to debate where saving Leo's life, very very technically speaking, will put cultists and snake gods on the personal mercy charts. That has plenty of time to cook, though.
(And he's not Mikey. He's not much good for choosing to put mercy and forgiveness up like they're weapons of their own. So if he's honest, the outlook isn't stellar.) ]
I think so. [ Getting the big stuff answered folded a lot in under that umbrella. Lots of things that make a lot more sense in hindsight.
A few months back, back home, if he'd been tuned in enough to connect those anti-being-leader dots for what they were, he probably would've gotten mad. And it's rare that he ever actually wants to be mad, so he's mostly relieved that his brain waited it out. The rest so far is more emotionally complicated, but.
He doesn't think he's bad with anything so far. Apart from whatever window of time it was where Leo was apparently fully dead, which is like the heart and brain version of hot coals for him.
So it's nice to be able to just take a minute before adding the next big thing to the docket. Even themselves back out. Enjoy a nice hug. That's a hit across the board. ]
I want you guys safe 'n happy. Those're always my top dog Mad Dogs priorities.
[And he means that. His love and want to keep them safe comes through loud and clear. It's what he realized there at the end about being a leader. He's always worried about them, always tried to nudge them in right directions of common sense where they couldn't see the possible bad outcomes, tried to keep them on task if he could. He goofs as much as the rest, but rarely ever to the point of not caring entirely.
He shifts, stretching his legs out and arms over his head feeling the water rushing behind him and through his fingertips.]
Probably should ask you for some team building tips or something sometime. [He loves his family, he still doesn't know if he's alive or not, but he loves Snails too. He wants them to get better and be a little more cohesive. Just enough. But then again would they still be Snail if they went too far into team cohesiveness? Probably not. Their independence and ability to pull together when it counts has been great and he has a lot of respect for them like that.]
[ Raph believes that much easy. The heart of it, where the priorities land when things are real. He'd be lying if he said he always noticed Leo doing it or got how he went at things.
He guesses that means he knows from both ends how much general herding either gets taken for granted or ignored outright. Leo always loving them and wanting them safe, at least, that's that's never been in question. A lot of his fear and growing frustration came from him not getting Leo's angle.
A wave of gratitude, sheepishness, a little apology. He had a hard time dialing back down, after Shredder. Even with all the good stuff that came out of it. Even though it would've helped everything if he had. He's been trying to get better at that.
Snail's lucky to have his little brother on deck, in any case.
He snorts, flicking some water Leo's way. ]
Yeah, once I get my phone from home you can copy off my notes. [ Yes he has phone notes for days. How many are comprehensible to anyone that's not late-night Raph remains to be seen. ] When in doubt, just throw around some experimental adhesives.
[ Local turtle still not aware that his brothers re-engaged baller mode that mission solely to humor him after his moment of vulnerability. Leo... u were a real one for that. ]
Okay, I'm gonna say 'no' to the experimental adhesives because we don't have a wya to undo that here, but - You had notes?
[He sounds absolutely delighted by that. Of course his big brother had notes. It makes sense after all the charts and calendar schedules for training.]
If you got 'em I'll look at 'em when we get your phone. [He's hesitant for Raph and Don to get any more of their home things here. Too much like them settling in this place like Leo started to.] If Snail wins another token, I'll grab it for you.
[ Boo thinking ahead to the fact that there would be no way to undo the teamwork ball, boooooo. ]
'course I had notes. Was I supposed to read stuff and remember it? [ Like some kind of NERD? Absolutely not. ] You don't gotta go outta your way, alright? Half of it's probably stuff you figured out already.
[ Raph is starting to feel like, perhaps, Leo theoretically already knows or figured out plenty of stuff and just never felt like he needed to say it. Or did say it but Raph was busy basing plans off of children's books he never finished or what have you.
And some of it's leadership stuff that he's not sure if it would gel with Leo's style if Leo wanted leader notes? Raph... doesn't know a ton about Leo's style when he's really trying for it. Looking back. But he doesn't think there'd be all that much good in teams picking leaders here anyway. There's no knowing who'll even end up in a game to start with, never mind what the scenario is gonna need. General bonding and teambuilding is a bigger deal, in his humble onion.
Egg still needs to work on that. They do fine when they all need to work together during crunchtime, at least. ]
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Re: Day ~90 probably
[ Easy affection. A candle in the dark. A solid, real hand to grab instead of hitting the bottom, I want you to know I finally understand.
Brothers first.
Not sure what the emotional equivalent of almost reflexively punching some water is. Probably a very brief jolt of equal parts anger, fear, and protectiveness. His apologies, Leo, let him balance that out with, dare he say, more confusion. ]
And we're all gonna get outta here.
[ Raph believes that.
He believes it whether he really believes it or not.
There are a lot of things a turtle can substitute with grit and frankly unhinged depths of stubbornness. Hope is one of those things, right.
(... it's weird to hear Leo say "if." "You guys," like he's separate. Don't care for that one bit.) ]
Re: Day ~90 probably
...Yeah, you're right. You guys are definitely gonna get back home.
[Not 'out of here' this time; Leo has determined he'll get out of Temple Horizon. Just maybe not 'home'.]
I tried to make it easy when I could. [Keeping the guys focused when they all got unruly. Making sure they had the bigger picture in mind, bringing up things he thought were obvious when he realized they weren't. All little things just to help Raph lead.]
....Did... Don talk to you? About. [He should talk about it. It's the whole point of why they're doing this. But why is it so hard?] About what happened.
Re: Day ~90 probably
Anxiety is already starting to creep in. Like most of Raph's feelings, it only really comes in sledgehammer strength. A do something fix it bleeding into self-directed irritation, that he's never learned to cut back as much as he's learned it usually works out better if he can keep himself on a leash until it eases up.
They're here together. Whatever it is, they'll figure it out. ]
Depends on what 'what' you mean. I hate to say it, but we got a 'what happened' list about as long as both my arms put together. [ That's probably not super helpful.
There's still a list if he narrows it down to generally what they're here for. But it's a less huge list. ] He, uh. He showed me some of what happened after the escape pods?
[ He doesn't regret what he did, there, but he does feel guilty. Especially seeing the fallout he wasn't there for.
Leo angry. Really actually angry. Pushing through, no stopping to think first, not listening. Raph remembers as much as he remembers other parts of what Leo said to get through to him. Like half a dream, a little warped, you didn't yell because you were mad, you yelled because you were scared. ]
I feel like maybe that's not exactly what you mean.
Re: Day ~90 probably
But there is a long "what happened" list if he's being honest. He rubs at the back of his neck with trembling hands.]
Y-yeah. There was.. It was a lot that day.
["That day", because it's been months now in this place.] Sorry you had to see it.
[Just do it. Rip off the band-aid, fast and quick. Sometimes it's good to ease Raph into things, but sometimes you do just have to do it quick.]
I was talking about after the portal cut off. I-
[Just fucking say it. Stop hesitating. He's gone out of his way to talk around it, allude, hint, but never just outright say it. Raph deserves that much from him after what he did.] I died in there, Raph. Right before this place.
Re: Day ~90 probably
[ For as hard a time as he sometimes has wrapping his head around how Leo thinks, for as poorly as it went, he could see it for what it was.
He's done the same thing before, after all.
(Some part of himself he tends not to look at, childlike and hidden away in the back of his mind, holds onto the fact that Leo was trying to find him the whole time like it's a life raft.)
There are many things Raph's ready to expect to follow at the tail end there.
"I died in there" is not one of them. That fully does not compute. Confusion, in a strange drawn-back sort of form. Like the water at a shore might start to pull away when a giant wave is coming. ]
But we saved you. I was there for that part.
[ It wasn't even like a thing he heard after the fact?? Sir? ]
Re: Day ~90 probably
He stares up at his big brother, a face that Raph probably saw a million times growing up. His little brother in blue scared and guilty. He knows he has to explain it all.]
I haven't gotten there yet.
How- I know you and Dee are from months ahead of mine, but how much did you talk to him and Casey Junior about the timeline stuff? And how we changed the future, created a split timeline, all of that?
Re: Day ~90 probably
Raph takes a brief and incriminating few seconds of silence. Everything and everyone was kind of a mess right after the fact. There's honestly not much about that first week or so that he remembers super clearly. ]
Not much. I know it got all sci-fi and branchy. So CJ's future isn't gone-gone, but it also, uh. Is. Gone. [ By the time he did get the basic rundown, if he's totally honest, he didn't... care too much about the details.
Like, he cared, but the first and most important priority was being grateful and relieved that they all made it through. That even with the injuries and the laundry list of necessary medical procedures and the nightmares and the scarcity of supplies what with New York being a whole mess, he had his family in reach. Alive.
Very something-something timeline time travel anyway the point is no, Casey Junior will not be fading out of existence like in Back to the Future, Raph, he's a permanent addition to the family.
Which he didn't have complaints about. The kid's both very nice and a real lifesaver. ]
And I know you got here from before we got you out. [ Which he's worried about if he thinks about it too long. Stubborn determination that everyone's gonna get out of here and go where they want is the end goal. What he's always gonna be trying to push towards.
He doesn't know what Leo's situation looks like if there's no putting people back in the moment they came from, though. Time-wise.
What happens if they opened that portal and there was no Leo in any kind of shape to pull through it? But Leo ends up where he got taken from like, months later, because he was there and got nabbed for this stupid cult at the worst possible moment? How does Leo get saved again if he ends up back there but it's changed so that they all think they lost him?
How would that even mix into the dumb time travel stuff they already have going on? ]
So-- what, you think you're from a different one? [ wait they have two canonical timelines already ] A different different one.
[ At no point did Raph apply the 2+2 of the canonical timeline branches to their whole personal time situation here. He has fully been on team "oh yeah we all technically came from different days, but we'll figure it out, I dunno."
Because plans, he can do. Kill a big snake. Keep people as safe as he can until they get there. Strategies with complex timeline ramifications, he's not really built for.
(Respectfully with all his heart, he hates everything about it and a lot about what is happening here.) ]
Re: Day ~90 probably
It isn't a bad thing. It's just different; they've always looked at different angles of the same thing and put it together.]
I mean, probably? I just- I felt it. For a split second before I woke up here.
[For that brief moment before he opened his eyes on the temple floor, he felt his heart stop. His thoughts go empty and the darkness starting to come for him before this place swept him up into its grasp instead.
He can't help how his own memory of the moments flash in the reflection behind him, the arms of that robotic exosuit built to destroy and conquer crashing into and cracking his shell, his bones underneath, hit after hit.
He's trembling as he sits here, clenching his eyes shut for a minute before he looks back up at Raph. There's another unspoken apology there. He isn't asking Raph to understand the complexities of timelines and splits and all that. Just to understand that the Leo in front of him might not be the one they got out before it was too late.]
Can't really prove it one way or the other but... I'm. I'm pretty sure. Talked with Dee about it some, but he's too stubborn to listen to me. Hunter- [He bites on his bottom lip thinking for a second.] Hunter's kinda guessed at it.
Re: Day ~90 probably
Leo is Leo. If there were ten Leos in here with him they'd all be his, and anyone who touches them anyone who takes them away anything that tries it--
(Succeeded. Somewhere. Some time.
It's not okay.)
And that knocks the wind out of his metaphorical sails. Maybe not in the full scope of science or detailed understanding of the theory, and why Leo even feels sorry goes right into the confusion vortex, but. The concept. What Leo is saying, what Leo was feeling.
Leo will feel it when that comes home to roost. Less because of an extensive emotional sledgehammer and more because after about two seconds of a too-big, discordant mess-
- a grief so crushingly heavy he couldn't stand through it, "one day you will understand-" get it together, Leo's right here, he's right here, he needs- guiltguiltguilt- even a broken stupid cult kidnapping system clock is right twice a day, apparently- "the sacrifice we must make-"
- Raph looks back to Leo and maybe panics a little bit, and slams up the best emotional wall he can commit to on the fly. Just need a minute. Just need to fortify for a minute until that eases up, because this isn't about him. It's about Leo. Raph can feel feelings about things literally whenever he wants.
He reaches out with his hands instead, in this place and in the real world, a careful grab, straddling the line between attempted comfort and reassuring himself that Leo's there to reach for at all. ]
We'll figure somethin' out. Okay? I don't know what somethin' looks like yet, but we're definitely gonna figure it. I promise. You're gonna be fine.
[ They just absolutely a hundred percent... can't... send Leo back the way he came from. Once all this is over.
But that's probably plenty of time to figure out other options. ]
Re: Day ~90 probably
What is he hiding? What had Raph heard? But feeling how protective Raph is hearing it all, it... Feels different than Don's stubborn need to try and 'save' him. He lets his hands (and entire forearms, really) be taken, turning his wrists so he can grip Raph's wrists right back. Brotherly bonds, brotherly handholding, it's allowed. He's never shied away from physical affection with them and he wasn't about to start now.
But now he's going to wonder. He should tell his brother the other part.]
We will, yeah. Um. Hunter kinda - We talked some. And he offered to let me go with him if we ever find a way out of this place. [It's not the same as going home home, but it's still... Sort of home. In a way. He's thought about the logistics, that the Boiling Isles has a portal to the east coast, and he could easily portal himself to Manhattan for visits.]
Re: Day ~90 probably
Raph sends a half-distracted little push for later. The voice, the wondering. One of the other things he wanted to bring to this. It wouldn't be great right this second.
There's no real way to keep anyone safe or okay in this place, but alive at the end when the dust settles-- that's always worth moving towards, right? Still alive? If there's somewhere to go, there's somewhere to figure out the healing after it.
He'd rip his own heart out if it would make a good safe landing pad for his brothers. For whoever came after that, he guesses, down the line. And whatever awful world-ending thing no one ever told them about that they gotta clean up next.
(Because it seems like there's always another thing around the corner. Every time they think that's it, and they won for real, for good, they're ready for whatever's next, something bigger gets dug up that's worse than they know how to be ready for.
He's tired. They're not even home anymore and thinking about it makes him tired.
How safe of a landing pad is that by comparison, after a place like the temple?)
The Boiling Isles aren't... bad, from what Hunter's talked about. Belos is gone, Hunter's got his friends there, it would be safe. Probably a lot of cleanup work to keep busy with, busy can be good. Lots of normal-life opportunities. Living in the open.
Another complicated little mix. Not a closed-door spiral in the fashion of that initial reaction. But happy, sad, worried, confused. A belated realization that the killing the snake and getting everyone somewhere they wanna be means a lot of people he cares about here... not being in reach anymore. The weird preemptive grief that comes with that.
Relief. Hunter and Leo would take care of each other if they stuck together. Protect each other. No question.
It's a couple thing anyway, right? Pick a place, move in together? That's not bad, either. He wouldn't expect Korone or Eve to move into a sewer lair if their whole thing with Donnie got to that point.
Just. ]
Would you... [ Ugh. What if he wasn't bad at words one of these times, actually. One single time. ] You'd still try to reach us, though? If that's what you do?
[ The Royal Us. "Us who've been here with you and gone through all this with you," "other us in your timeline who think they failed you and maybe can't even find you in the ninpo right now."
Reach us. Let us know you're really safe.
Raph assumes the answer is yes, honestly, because this is Leo.
It would just help to hear it out loud. He is going to be a little bit needy as a treat. ]
Re: Day ~90 probably
He smiles.]
Of course, I would. They've got a portal door to Connecticut and I can just hop over to Manhattan from there no problem. Couldn't get rid of me if you tried.
[It's easy to promise, to reassure. He fully believes it. And it helps that Raph isn't stubbornly refusing to accept what Leo's put in front of him like Donnie. Donnie frustrated him because he kept making the whole thing about Donnie and ignored everything Leo was saying, was trying to say. Leo felt like he was talking to a brick wall constantly when this comes up with his twin. But Raph is understanding it. It's making the reality a lot easier.
The amount of appreciation and love coming through Leo's side isn't entirely quantifiable. But it's powerful.]
Re: Day ~90 probably
Raph will keep this reassurance in the special pocket of his heart where all the genuinely reassuring things go. Pin it up right next to the killing the snake god goal. Pin a copy of it on the vision board of all the reasons to push through whatever this place does, tooth and nail, until everyone comes back out.
Leo has somewhere to go. Somewhere guaranteed safe, somewhere connected to home. Leo planned for that, Hunter planned for it. He didn't- he didn't just not say anything and not try to change it.
Leo's saying it now. A longer road home. Not a goodbye. ]
We wouldn't wanna. We love you.
[ Always. And forever. And then some. If it stings a little bit to only be hearing about this now, if Raph's ready supply of generalized guilt kicks up a fuss in his chest about Leo having to figure this situation out at all--
Well, even Raph knows when he's the pot and someone else is the kettle, sometimes. Considering how devotedly he steps around the specific details of his pang of empathy, he'd have no legs to stand on.
Donnie cares as hard as any of them, so basically enough to power a sun. He wants to be able to fix things. Keep everyone safe. Raph thinks Donnie feels better about solutions he's part of because it means Donnie and his big brain know that all the moving parts work for sure. And he thinks Donnie gets snagged on different different angles and forgets to take a step back once in a while.
The times that lines up with sensitive subjects aren't usually... great.
The image of a Rubik's cube with only one side matched up. Fondness. Time-perfected older brotherly dry resignation. ]
Hueso would hold a grudge if you skipped town permanently anyway.
[ Nah his dumb ass is fully trying not to cry. How do people cope with humor instead of crying. It's inconceivable. ]
Re: Day ~90 probably
He takes a deep breath before letting out a quiet little laugh at that. Squeezes Raph's forearms again.]
I think he probably would, yeah. Got a big enough tab I owe him for.
[He knows Hueso is also soft on him. Wouldn't let Leo skip town without a real talk.]
Re: Day ~90 probably
Understanding. Being understood. Chipping away at figuring out talking at his brothers versus talking to them. He's been trying to get better about that since Shredder. It's a lot of built-up habit. Like most stuff he tries to figure out, he figures he's gonna have to mess it up pretty bad before he starts to get it. Anger, restraint, patience, real teamwork, leading, listening, asking for help somewhere between needing it and imploding about it.
The list could go on.
It means a lot that his brothers have always been willing to wait him out. He knows he doesn't exactly make it easy.
Surprising probably exactly no one, he is going for hug time. It's the most important first step of the "if anything touches Leo again maybe I tone-match the snake cult and eviscerate something about it, that's normal and reasonable and feasible" plan.
The narration doesn't know how to classify that emotionally. Anxiety to hypothetical anger pipeline??? Raph loves doing that cool thing where he feels 4+ things at once very strongly and has learned to mostly surf the wave until he can pick one. Who can even really say anymore. ]
Re: Day ~90 probably
Leo knows he would do the same for Raph if anyone hurt him maliciously. There is nothing that would stop him. He wants nothing more than for his family to be safe - both his family from home, and the new family they picked up here.]
Thanks. For- getting it.
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Raph probably shouldn't register that emotional equivalent of "likewise, it would be on sight and without mercy" and mostly think that's sweet, and yet. ]
I was due. [ There are many timeline branches of even this conversation where he super didn't, probably. Raph doesn't mind being in the one where he could. ] Thanks for tellin' me.
[ He still needs to figure out how to say some things. Or where to start? Apologies, mostly, for not listening, not explaining better, for scaring him. Trying to figure the way to explain he doesn't blame him so he'll understand Raph means it. The selfish curl of relief and gratitude that came from seeing Leo was trying to go back for him from about the second his feet hit the ground.
He doesn't regret getting him out, kinda has to acknowledge that it wasn't a good idea as the resident turtle who got his little brother thrown off a roof one time (for starters), but. It's still nice.
Some tiny, persistent part of him always tells him no one else is coming, when it's just him who needs it. He doesn't know how to get rid of that. At least the rest of him understands that they always were.
Words hard, though. And there's time. He'll get his brain wrapped around it eventually. ]
Re: Day ~90 probably
You get it. [He knows his brother gets it. They've been on more or less a similar wave length for years now, except the times they aren't. But he feels all of that, accepts it. Opens his emotional arms up to hug those feelings as tight as he's hugging Raph in the mind-scape and physically in his room.
The whole area feels more comfortable, less ominous. Truly the best place for a trust fall between them.]
Seriously, it's- I've got a plan with some contingencies thought out. It'll be fine.
Re: Day ~90 probably
[ He likes it better when he can say that and really mean it. They always do a lot better when they're on track. ]
You ever need our help with that, let us know. [ He'll learn to simply punch a hole in dimensions if he has to. ] 'cause I'm gonna worry anyway, but it's not personal.
I mean, it's personal 'cause I'm gonna be worried, but uh.
[ ?????? ]
I'm not doin' it... at you? It's just what my brain's gonna do.
[ There, nailed it, it's fine, Leo's a good translator he'll figure it out.
Still, there's definitely a bleeding off of tension, an easing up of the vice-like grip that that complicated grief-horror-despair had around his chest. The preexisting touch of aimless anxiety he'd had about Leo's whole situation feels lighter.
It does feel like that's at least one thing off the plate. On a smaller adjacent plate. ]
Re: Day ~90 probably
[And he does understand. It's the same way he worries about all of them even when he knows they've probably got things handled. It's just how family is. But there's relief there as well; knowing that even if he has thought everything through with backups and contingencies, they still have his back if things don't work. It means a lot.
Leo lets out a slow exhale, taking in the feeling of the mental-scape water behind them. A huge weight off his shoulders having finally talked this out with Raph. It had been so much to keep to himself.]
You're good with everything else though? Like - snake cult, we're definitely killing that snake and making some jackets or boots or something out of it, but besides that I mean.
Re: Day ~90 probably
Raph has to debate where saving Leo's life, very very technically speaking, will put cultists and snake gods on the personal mercy charts. That has plenty of time to cook, though.
(And he's not Mikey. He's not much good for choosing to put mercy and forgiveness up like they're weapons of their own. So if he's honest, the outlook isn't stellar.) ]
I think so. [ Getting the big stuff answered folded a lot in under that umbrella. Lots of things that make a lot more sense in hindsight.
A few months back, back home, if he'd been tuned in enough to connect those anti-being-leader dots for what they were, he probably would've gotten mad. And it's rare that he ever actually wants to be mad, so he's mostly relieved that his brain waited it out. The rest so far is more emotionally complicated, but.
He doesn't think he's bad with anything so far. Apart from whatever window of time it was where Leo was apparently fully dead, which is like the heart and brain version of hot coals for him.
So it's nice to be able to just take a minute before adding the next big thing to the docket. Even themselves back out. Enjoy a nice hug. That's a hit across the board. ]
I want you guys safe 'n happy. Those're always my top dog Mad Dogs priorities.
Re: Day ~90 probably
[And he means that. His love and want to keep them safe comes through loud and clear. It's what he realized there at the end about being a leader. He's always worried about them, always tried to nudge them in right directions of common sense where they couldn't see the possible bad outcomes, tried to keep them on task if he could. He goofs as much as the rest, but rarely ever to the point of not caring entirely.
He shifts, stretching his legs out and arms over his head feeling the water rushing behind him and through his fingertips.]
Probably should ask you for some team building tips or something sometime. [He loves his family, he still doesn't know if he's alive or not, but he loves Snails too. He wants them to get better and be a little more cohesive. Just enough. But then again would they still be Snail if they went too far into team cohesiveness? Probably not. Their independence and ability to pull together when it counts has been great and he has a lot of respect for them like that.]
Re: Day ~90 probably
He guesses that means he knows from both ends how much general herding either gets taken for granted or ignored outright. Leo always loving them and wanting them safe, at least, that's that's never been in question. A lot of his fear and growing frustration came from him not getting Leo's angle.
A wave of gratitude, sheepishness, a little apology. He had a hard time dialing back down, after Shredder. Even with all the good stuff that came out of it. Even though it would've helped everything if he had. He's been trying to get better at that.
Snail's lucky to have his little brother on deck, in any case.
He snorts, flicking some water Leo's way. ]
Yeah, once I get my phone from home you can copy off my notes. [ Yes he has phone notes for days. How many are comprehensible to anyone that's not late-night Raph remains to be seen. ] When in doubt, just throw around some experimental adhesives.
[ Local turtle still not aware that his brothers re-engaged baller mode that mission solely to humor him after his moment of vulnerability. Leo... u were a real one for that. ]
Re: Day ~90 probably
[He sounds absolutely delighted by that. Of course his big brother had notes. It makes sense after all the charts and calendar schedules for training.]
If you got 'em I'll look at 'em when we get your phone. [He's hesitant for Raph and Don to get any more of their home things here. Too much like them settling in this place like Leo started to.] If Snail wins another token, I'll grab it for you.
Re: Day ~90 probably
'course I had notes. Was I supposed to read stuff and remember it? [ Like some kind of NERD? Absolutely not. ] You don't gotta go outta your way, alright? Half of it's probably stuff you figured out already.
[ Raph is starting to feel like, perhaps, Leo theoretically already knows or figured out plenty of stuff and just never felt like he needed to say it. Or did say it but Raph was busy basing plans off of children's books he never finished or what have you.
And some of it's leadership stuff that he's not sure if it would gel with Leo's style if Leo wanted leader notes? Raph... doesn't know a ton about Leo's style when he's really trying for it. Looking back. But he doesn't think there'd be all that much good in teams picking leaders here anyway. There's no knowing who'll even end up in a game to start with, never mind what the scenario is gonna need. General bonding and teambuilding is a bigger deal, in his humble onion.
Egg still needs to work on that. They do fine when they all need to work together during crunchtime, at least. ]
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