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[The day has been exhausting.
That's the real word here. Exhausting. Physically, sure, but emotionally? Unparalleled exhaustion. April, Splinter, and Casey got a van from somewhere that they all quietly piled into, the brothers half carrying Leo in, and the ride back is quiet. Leo's a fucking mess of bruises, some broken bones, busted up face, who knows what else under the shell. Not that anyone else is in stellar shape, but it's enough when April has to take a sharper turn than expected, Leo ends up shifting against Raphael's shoulder while they ride.
He doesn't say anything, but he doesn't make any motion to move away either. He's too tired, too much in the feeling of 'oh god everything hurts make it stop' to try consciously moving himself.
It isn't until April pulls to a stop at one of the larger entrances to the sewer that Leo starts forcing himself to move, pain shooting up his nerves like fire. But he keeps one hand clenched on one of his katana that Casey had returned, the other out... somewhere. He'll find it eventually once he has the strength to portal himself to it again.
But he stops to make sure the others are coming along.]
Almost home, guys. [Maybe if he hopes and crosses fingers, that didn't sound as bad to them as it did to his own ears.]
[The day has been exhausting.
That's the real word here. Exhausting. Physically, sure, but emotionally? Unparalleled exhaustion. April, Splinter, and Casey got a van from somewhere that they all quietly piled into, the brothers half carrying Leo in, and the ride back is quiet. Leo's a fucking mess of bruises, some broken bones, busted up face, who knows what else under the shell. Not that anyone else is in stellar shape, but it's enough when April has to take a sharper turn than expected, Leo ends up shifting against Raphael's shoulder while they ride.
He doesn't say anything, but he doesn't make any motion to move away either. He's too tired, too much in the feeling of 'oh god everything hurts make it stop' to try consciously moving himself.
It isn't until April pulls to a stop at one of the larger entrances to the sewer that Leo starts forcing himself to move, pain shooting up his nerves like fire. But he keeps one hand clenched on one of his katana that Casey had returned, the other out... somewhere. He'll find it eventually once he has the strength to portal himself to it again.
But he stops to make sure the others are coming along.]
Almost home, guys. [Maybe if he hopes and crosses fingers, that didn't sound as bad to them as it did to his own ears.]

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Forty-five seconds to breathe is something that can be so personal.
Leo doesn't open on a question that he's expecting. Not that he guesses he was expecting any particular super specific questions, if he's honest, but.
It's kind of a big question.
Raph hesitates. Looks away for all of two more seconds. ]
The radio cut when the portal did.
[ Which is, of course, not strictly a direct answer to the question. ]
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Better to know they didn't hear Leonardo not fighting back. Leo's taking the answer for what it is on the surface.
Quietly:] Okay. [And then more sure:] Okay. Was just wondering.
[Nevermind what he's forgotten they can do. That Raph could have easily heard his thoughts - At least they're safe. I want dad. Raph will take care of them. I'm gonna die here. It's not a thing he's considered after they managed to do it once and not since.
No, instead he tucks his face into those pillows he's buried himself in and sighs relieved.]
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Who in their family wouldn't be, right? If they thought nothing got through. That at least their family didn't hear whatever awful stuff happened, at least they weren't there to see the worst. He knows the thought. He doesn't want Leo to know the thought. ]
You mean just worrying. [ Which is supposed to be Raph's job. Rude.
(He should've pushed back when Pops first put Leo in charge. He should've put his foot down, he should've asked him to wait for a while, because Leo is his kid brother, he's a kid, it's Raph's job to watch out for him, so he should've argued it, should've figured something out, a way to talk to Leo about this stuff that wasn't breathing down his neck, or trusted him more or trusted him less or should've, should've, should've--
It's not about him. It's not about him.)
Raph hauls himself closer with a grunt, solely for the sake of being closer to the brother consigned to his pillowy fate. He can't simply scoop Leo up and hug him until they're forced to separate, at least not without some medical safety risks? He's not totally sure. Better safe than sorry.
But he can sort of curl half-around the pillow pile and nudge Leo's dumb flopped-over hand, and press his forehead to one of the bottom-tier pillows like it's basically the same thing. ]
This whole operation falls apart without you in it.
[ He's gonna have to tell him. That it happened. The mind-meld stuff. Some wrenching desperate scramble for anything that managed to work. It's the responsible thing, and the fair thing, which means it kinda sucks to need to do it.
Can't outweigh the benefit of being able to tell Leo he can talk about it, though.
Just a matter of figuring out how to start. ]
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Yeah, sure. 'Worrying'. Just like he can't help the instinctive jerk away when something foreign touches his hand. Raph, it's just big brother. An exhale before he settles again and turns his head to face his brother.]
Same to you. It did kinda fall apart for a little bit.
[But Leo got them back together. He did whatever he had to so he could understand and do it right. And he'd do it again, any number of times it takes, and hell take whomever tries to do it to them next.
He's prepared for that. He's prepared for whatever comes their way because he will keep their family safe. Even if it means he's in a position like he is right now, knowing he needs to get up and clean himself up. He can still taste the blood in his mouth even. But every breath is aching right now, his lungs shuddering in his ribcage.
(But it isn't about him. It's not about him.)]
Whadd'you need right now? [And even Leo winces at how that comes out.] I mean - do you need? Anything? Just- Tryin' to get a good picture of where we're all at.
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All things considered, probably not personal. All things considered, probably not in a position to be offended if jerking away was a little bit personal. He doesn't have free space to spare for that anyway.
Leo's starting fumble to the question drags out a quiet amused noise in spite of everything. The question proper is both valid and hard to pin down an answer on. Raph vibes on it for a while.
To know that he's safe to be around long-term, that he ripped everything terrible out of himself or burned it away and it's not waiting to grow back. To know a hundred percent for sure that everyone is gonna be alright. To get April home safe.
To fill in some of the gaps he's working with.
Some floor time with Captain Cuddles, which Leo did already make an important contribution towards. For Leo to simply not be out of sight again until he's forty years old? Maybe.
A good cry. But that's for later.
Nothing he can't deal with. ]
I gotta talk to you.
[ Understatement is a vital ninja skill. ]
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[It would be foolish to think they all wouldn't want to talk to him about what happened. His almost final words to his brother was smug, shitty, and throwing Raph's own actions back in his face for... what? To prove a point? Honestly looking back, Leo can't figure out why he'd said that.
But he also knows he isn't going to take it back.
Leo finally squirms a bit in the pillow pile and rolls to lay on his back, staring up at the ceiling now. He's glad for his plastron and shell - way way less likely to see all the bruising underneath.]
What's up?
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It makes it hard to get a read on him. He knows him, he loves him, but they speak different languages sometimes. Usually about really important stuff. In other news, the sky is wet, the grass is blue. That's not right. Whatever. Raph knows what Raph meant to think.
There's a lot he wants to get into. Thinking about it. Like, he touched on the most important things, the "I love you" and "never do it again" and "it falls apart without you." It wouldn't hurt to really drill those in, though. He definitely needs to lay out that there was no hero move to what he did at all, just him being the most terrified he's maybe ever been in his life. Needs to-- not put off the Responsible Disclosure, because it'll be easier on Leo to know what they know, and everyone isn't gonna be busy in other rooms forever.
But first, maybe something he knows from experience is probably a Leo-need right now, not simply a want. ]
It was some big mystic portal energy thing. Mikey's arms. I mean, you probably picked up on that. But I guess he can just do that now? Rip through dimensions?
[ He never got the memo about it. Not that it was a bad thing to have suddenly on the table, at their lowest. ]
It kinda-- ate at him. Started to. So me and Donnie hitched up, took some of it on. Between Dee and Draxum, we'll probably know what the situation is pretty fast. What's gonna help him most. He can boss the rest of us around about bein' his hands for a while. Take it easy. [ And if Draxum has to go out and do some villain-adjacent activities to secure things that will be helpful, well, they're all on lair lockdown for the foreseeable future anyway, so they wouldn't know about it and wouldn't be looking if he did.
Raph idly scratches at the floor a little bit with his thumbnail. There's something meditative about it. About feeling it. If he's honest, there's also a tiny bit of a selfish comfort to laying out a status report. Like a mental checklist to ward off worst case imaginings, only saying it out loud. Another form of doing headcounts. ]
Donnie's banged up. Big hit. Rough landing. I think he's movin' alright, but he's kinda cagey, even for him. I dunno if it's a stress thing or what. So maybe don't poke the bear too hard when he's fixin' you up. [ Because 'fixing up' sounds better than 'assessing how much of a jigsaw puzzle you are right now.' ] Pops and April and Casey look way tired, but they seem solid. Nothin' a nap on the good cushions won't help. I mean, I'm guessin' with Casey, I don't really know him. I feel like a nap wouldn't hurt the guy.
[ Pops and April always have good cushions dibs. Casey can have third dibs because he's a guest. Or possibly lives here now? That's a later thing to figure out. For now, he can have some guest privileges as a treat. ]
We're all here. We're good. You did good.
[ Obviously apart from the stuff he yelled about already, which he was totally the most right about and not biased about at all! Source: he said so. Obviously. ]
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OH!
Yeah. Of course, Raph would want to give him a run down. It's good to hear. All the details and vague ideas of plans to move ahead are good to know. Leo almost visibly relaxes by the time Raph is talking about Donnie (and he really should check on the two of them, his other brothers, they left to do their own thing and haven't come back yet-) letting his head sink back down into the cushion.
And by the time he finishes, Leo's eyes are closed in utter relief. So it sounds like they all made it. Good.]
We'll figure Casey's situation out tomorrow. Should probably find a way to contact April's parents and let them know she's all right.
[Even falling apart, Leonardo can't stop his brain from thinking. No, he has to make plans, even one step plans, to scratch the itch.]
I figure delivery's out with half the city busted up, but think we have anything we can make here?
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[ Humans are supposed to be into family plans for disasters, aren't they? He hopes so. If they gotta ninja buddy system escort her home or to a meetup spot safely, so be it.
"Figure Casey's situation out tomorrow" is a good plan. In his opinion. A little bit because it's nice to know he didn't miss out on like, any "yeah of course you can stay here with us or whatever" developments.
Would've been a weird night if they got to that mid-alien-invasion, but you never know. ]
And we always got somethin'. Leftovers. Like a hundred boxes of noodles. [ Many already open and only half-full even though some are the exact same types of noodle, for reasons beyond Raph's comprehension. ] We can do food. It just won't be anything fancy.
[ But he doubts Leo's really fussed about comprehensive and fancy as much as doable. Two steps ahead thinking about stuff. Raph doesn't mind being those couple steps back, honestly.
He hesitates. ]
Anything else on your list, boss man?
[ Raph's ready to big brother, right-hand turtle do his best to round up whatever Leo needs rounded up, but also he knows he's kind of pushing off the hard topic. If he keeps on that, Leo might hear it from Mikey or Donnie, which could be... messy. Messier? Maybe be mad that Raph didn't tell him first even though he asked him about it more or less directly.
Raph's always had problems with that. The breaking not-exactly-great news. ]
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But Mikey's hands are likely fucked given what Raph is telling him, and Leo isn't sure how high exactly he can lift his arms. He felt something in his shoulders tear mid-fight (or mid-beating? He doesn't want to think about it, don't thįnk̀ ͢abou͜t̨ ̸it̴ s̸t͏op th̛i̸nk̀in̕g͢ a͢b͠ǫu͢t ͡it̨
A deep breath. Slow exhale. Maybe not so deep. His whole chest hurts, even more when he tries to breathe and move and he should just walk himself to the med bay and start doing damage control for himself.
Later. He'll do it later when everyone's finally asleep. Not like he'll get a wink anyway, when does he ever?]
Figure everyone's handling first aid already. So... Nah. Nothing else. Not unless you had something, Boss Brother?
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He just doesn't see the need to evolve cooking skills past the complexity level of "I have sometimes in the past made grilled cheeses or boxed macaroni." For reasons only partly related to having hands so big he can palm their dad like a basketball, and the complications therein.
But. Okay. Rip the band-aid, Raph. That's your opening. It's as much of a brotherly duty as any other, aka a privilege not to be taken lightly.
Boss Brother absolutely gets a snort, though. Dork.
(He misses being a bunch of dorks. Sneaking into pools and gardens and arguing about stuff that doesn't even matter. He misses when being scared of what else they might lose if the next Shredder-sized thing cornered them again didn't take up so much space.
He doesn't know how a person works on balancing that, but maybe he should start trying harder. After this stuff starts settling down, anyway.) ]
There's, uh... there is somethin' you should know. And you're not gonna like it. [ Nailed it, nailing it, definitely the reigning champ of being good at giving his brothers news that they will almost certainly hate. ] I think it'd be worse not to tell you, though. So. I'm gonna offer you Captain Cuddles for emotional support first. If you want him.
[ Touching Leo unannounced seemed like a bad time. In general. It's no hardship to forewarn that he's about to hold a teddy bear up to the pillow pile. ]
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Breathe. There's a bear in view that he's fairly certain he had just handed to his brother.]
Sounds like you might need it more than me. ['You're not gonna like it'. Hard to say given the everything they just got through. He's certain he would be thrilled to hear any more news, because it means they're still alive to get news.] What is it?
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In the meantime, oh Cap'n, we're really in it now. ]
Do you... remember a couple years ago? When we all got real gung-ho about traditional Hamato training for a minute?
[ Or what they all thought was traditional Hamato training but it was kinda a step to the left of the true heart of it, skewed by their dad's childhood trauma and perception, and everyone learned a valuable lesson about being who they really are. He guesses.
Which could happen to anyone trying to improve as ninjas, honestly. ]
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Wait, right, Raph is asking him something and he should respond. Not get caught up in his own thoughts of ...]
Yeah? I remember. It was cool, but it wasn't us. Whhhhy, what about it?
[There has to be some reason Raph's bringing this up. They're all kind of weird sometimes, but Raph wouldn't just use this as a lead in topic for no reason.]
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A guy really has to stop to think about how weird their lives are that this is where he's starting, sometimes. They were weird before all the heroism and ancient clan arts and aliens and saving the world, but like... man. ]
It turned out we could do that ninja mind meld thing, right? Reach each other?
[ What were you even worked up about, Raph. Easy. Straightforward. Next part's the big one, but you're the biggest brother, so just keep carrying. ]
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R....Right.
[There's something, some reason, and Raph doesn't just bring that training up for no reason so there has to be something, even as his nerves are starting to pick up on the anxiety. Had something happened, did they mind meld at some point? He would remember though, that's an active thing they have to do, so why wouldn't he remember that, no it must be something else.
But his nerves feel like they're igniting into flame, scorching under his skin and as a heavy leaden weight settles into his gut threatening to bottom out into the pillows underneath him.]
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Big brothering is hard. Sometimes it feels like there's no good answer to any problem.
He can wallow in that whenever he wants. Not now. ]
The radio cut with the portal.
[ A repeat, in one of several patented gentle tones. ]
But we were still with you, Leo. We-- we reached.
[ He's normally prime "you are not alone" is always good material, good news, but.
It's complicated.
Sometimes something happens and the only relief is knowing that it's not touching anyone else. ]
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Reached what?
[He's a little slow still; how many times had he hit his head today? Been slammed into walls and concrete? Enough to wonder when it finally does start to hit him. Wat Raphael means with those words - they mind melded while he was there. Didn't they.
Shit.
If Raphael is watching, he can see the way Leo's eyes widen, scared and vulnerable, for just a split second before he schools it back. His hand slowly closes into a fist around some of the pillow fluff he's piled in.
What did they hear? How much did they hear? What do they know about what he was thinking?
No, there's no way. He would have heard them back. Wouldn't he?]
Not a good joke, big brother. [His words tremble, the final leaf on a tree as the winter breeze threatens to whisk it away, clutching tightly to the last hope it has to stay anchored.]
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He wonders how much of Leo refusing to take stuff seriously heading up the team was really just Leo being scared and doing double time to cover it up. How much closer should he have been looking? ]
Sorry. [ For many things, but at this specific point: ] Not a joke, bud.
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[He hesitates, just to breathe. Get his breath. Where did his breath go? It's left him, empty and hollow at the thought of his brothers having heard what might have been his final thoughts before they got him. Had he been too stuck in his own head and, oh yeah, almost dying too much to have heard them in turn?]
So you definitely heard how I got it. [A denial to the end. Clinging to the last vestiges of hope that they hadn't heard his fear, his agony. Nothing he would ever have wanted them to hear from him. Leo brings a hand to wipe the back of it against his mouth, as if he can still feel the phantom tingle of blood on his lip from before. But he can't stop shaking.]
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We... felt how you took it. Got what you were thinking. If we got all of it. You were-- things went in and out, sometimes.
[ Sorry, little brother. We mind-melded with you kind of on accident, stepped in on you while you were getting slowly murdered.
We mind-melded with you and you frayed at the edges, like you couldn't reach back to us, your thoughts kept blipping in and out like whatever he was doing to you over there was breaking off pieces, and it was worse every time--
(You told yourself I'd take care of them, I couldn't even stand up.)
No. No easy or good parts at all.
He would've just assumed Leo knew if Leo hadn't asked. Knew and didn't wanna talk about it.
If Leo didn't know, then Leo didn't feel them. Hear them. Raph doesn't know for sure where the scales tip on the comfort of connection versus knowing his brothers had a backseat view. He has a hunch their scales are all pretty similar.
It wouldn't be fair not to tell him, though. It wouldn't be fair to push it off for Donnie or Mikey to end up telling him later, either. ]
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He hadn't heard them. He hadn't felt them. His subconscious, his heart reached out for the faintest of connections, a yearning to not be alone. It found his brothers but the emotional path back to Leo was winding and confusing, emotions and thoughts he'd never really had before muddying the waters.
He's glad to know, so that when Donnie and Mikey shoot him those looks of worry and guilt, he'll know what it's about. He won't have to sit and wonder what he did, like he usually does. This time it was his own heart betraying him in an instant.
Leonardo takes a heavy gulp before finally letting go of the cushion in his grip. Ducks his head and turns his eyes away for a second.]
Y-yeah. It, uh. [Ahem. More sure, this time. Fake it hard enough you believe it yourself.] Not gonna lie, big brother, it was a little rough. But - hey, it's all right now.
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Like if he doesn't look at things, they go away. Like if he doesn't try to hold something up, it makes it easier if it falls down. Like he didn't hear that and try to scrape together little walls of denial to hold against it, shaking while he went. ]
It's not all right! [ If he sounds offended by the very concept, it's only because he is. It's not all right. Maybe all of them will be all right, eventually, but what happened won't be.
Raph doesn't get it, honestly, how all the dodging helps Leo, what he gets out of it. He never has. There's stuff he doesn't get when it comes to any of his brothers, that he'll never get, because knowing and understanding are different. They do their own things, they still love each other. As much as they mess up with each other, they try to make space.
(Getting them turned secondary, somewhere, to watching out for them. Trying to keep them all safe.)
He wishes the two of them spoke the same language about some of this stuff, though. He doesn't want Leo to not be Leo, but if he could-- if he could just figure out how to translate to a middle ground somewhere.
Raph holds Captain Cuddles over his face for a few seconds like he is either heroically refraining from smothering his own brother, or hoping that this is the day he unlocks a secret teddy bear ninpo that will get rid of the headache he's been growing for the past few hours. Neither motive strictly true nor strictly false.
He inhales. Exhales. A nice controlled breath. He retracts... the protective bear-rier. ]
Leo. If you're not up to talk about it. I won't try to make you. [ Goodness knows it would be a knock-down drag-out tooth and nail scrape to try to make Leo have a real talk if he doesn't want one, and Raph's not sure anyone has the collective energy for that. Including Leo.
He is so calm actually. He has always been a very calm person. ] But it's not. All right.
[ Dare he say, it's the chief reason he wishes it was possible to go back to his roots and simply bite Krang what's-his-face until he stopped twitching. Which is saying something. He's got a pile of reasons. ]
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Still. The fact remains there just isn't anything that can be done about it now. They got him out, and now they all have to live with the consequences of their (his) actions. It feels still weirdly off kilter. They were on the same page for that short moment when Raph was able to break free of the Krang's control, and then they all worked together. They were vibing, they were coordinating. And now back to ... not quite square one, but near enough.
He doesn't want to know what they heard. But he does. He wants to know because he can't do anything if he doesn't know.
Leonardo remains quiet for an uncomfortably long time - not very long in the grand scheme of things, but long for Leonardo. His eyes go from staring at the ceiling, to the door his brothers are standing just on the other side of, then back to the interesting stain on the ceiling above him.
When he does finally speak, it's quiet. Almost a whisper, just for Raphael and Captain Cuddles.]
What did you hear?
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Raph never has seen much return on those wishes. But he guesses that not knowing what he's doing never stopped him from the doing part any other time. For his brothers, he'd dangle off the front of a train barely laying the tracks down in time for a million years.
Leo's silence makes the flip from guilt-inducing to "to be fair, he did give me a minute when I needed it" to a little worrying to regular worrying to just on the cusp of terrifying, and then he speaks up again.
Processing time isn't the kind of thing Leo usually needs. The content of the question, the low volume, makes the build-up make more sense. Private issue. Not for potential prying ears of brothers or sisters or dads or kids from the future who maybe heard Raph raise his voice and are trying to figure out if that's gonna escalate.
He pauses, because of course he does. This follow-up question, he's not sure he actually wants to answer. But he kinda brought it on himself. ]
You were scared. [ Quiet to match. Raph can do quiet. Deliberate pace, measured tone. Just another hard part to run at until it's over. ] You were glad we were safe. You wanted Pops. You thought I'd take care of everyone.
[ He would've, probably. Figured it out. There's not much of a budget for hope, pushing through to try to do that. To make sure that if he couldn't manage one of the things he's always worked for, if he couldn't keep all his brothers safe, he could at least not let Leo down after the fact.
There's not much budget for hope, when getting his hopes up before Mikey literally started ripping open the universe to get their brother back would make it impossible to scrape himself together a second time, if nothing happened.
So now he's the one who told Mikey to stop.
He'll always have to live with that. ]
You thought you were gonna die there.
[ Raphael doesn't expect that that one is much of a secret.
It isn't a wholly complete play-by-play, but it's a lot of the important ground covered. ]
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