[There is a tired edge to Peter's expression, he just sets his spoon down.]
Leo. Actually believe in it. I know you don't. [He feels like he's warranted a little frustration, especially since Leo operates on obfuscation. Hide what he's thinking behind a mask, bury the guilt even as it festers to boil over.
Peter knows that feeling intimately. He does the same damn thing.]
Us taking a break didn't lead to this. It never was connected. If you decide it was just to feel even worse about the situation, I'm going to make you eat this spoon.
[Peter just clicks his teeth together, openly frustrated. Any other time, he would have laughed at the deflection. Right now, he's just tired, sore and hurting in so many places.]
[He can tell Peter is frustrated and this is going into dangerous territory.]
Peter. [There's just as much warning in his voice as there is a plea.
He's glad now for the privacy wall Donnie gave them. Maybe he should make use of it while they can. But his eyes stay trained level at his husband, his voice low on instinct. He's so rarely this openly personal in the open like this.]
It is a logistical fact that if we hadn't slept in, by my insistence and doing, we wouldn't have been in the position to start with. Sure, the guy may have gotten you or both of us somewhere else, but at least the situation would have been different. I'm not gonna dwell on the what ifs because frankly, they don't matter as much as what did happen.
And what did happen? Is you married a mutant who loves you enough to keep you in bed for one morning that put you in this position. So sorry if I take it a little personally.
[He has to force himself keep his hands away from the bowl or spoon, trying to keep his temper actively in check. He doesn't want to stick or break anything in front of him.
Any time they fight, he folds. It's easier. It means they can function. It's all they can even do anymore. All they have is survival, and each other. Peter knows the patterns, he understands what he should be doing. What makes things easier for them.
His husband being this actively vulnerable is almost surreal now. Not when both of them have built up walls against anything that could hurt them.
His own voice is quiet, still a little sharp.]
It's a pattern, Leo. Something goes wrong, and you carry the guilt like a weight you can never let go of. Like you deserve to feel shit about it forever.
You think I don't see it? You think I don't do the same damn thing over every little thing I couldn't fix perfectly? That I couldn't predict?
[He blows out a little breath.]
I don't think this is your fault. I know it isn't. That's just... a piece of what I'm talking about.
[He runs a hand through his curls, wincing at the tender places along his scalp where he pulled his hair too hard earlier. His healing factor will get to that eventually. Right now, it's focused on the bullet wound.]
[It's a nail on the head situation. Peter hitting that crack with pinpoint accuracy.
Everything that goes wrong with the war, the Resistance, their lives, Leo does feel responsible for. How could he not?]
...At what point do I start getting blamed seriously? [His voice lowers again, carefully even. He isn't angry at Peter, he's angry at the man who shot him. At the war, at himself.] No one ever blames me for anything even when all of this? Everything we're in right now is my fault.
[Sure there'd been some yelling at the start those first few months, maybe the first year. But it had all gotten set aside for the sake of community, cooperation. Leo and Raph having to step up and do what had to be done. And then Raph.. Well.
Leo carried a big brother sized weight on his shoulders not long after that too. And still no one blamed him.]
None of us would be in this situation if it weren't for me.
You were a child, Leo. [Peter says simply, firmly. He just watches his husband's face. He wants to reach out to Leo, but isn't sure if his husband even wants to be touched.] We were all children with too much of responsibility put on us. None of us knew this was going to happen.
I'll blame you when It's something that's actively your fault. Never the start of this, not for what happened today- not for things that just happen where there is no way to control or predict it.
Even then, if something is your fault, I'll never hold it against you. [If there is one thing Peter has learned, forgiveness and hope go hand in hand. It's easier to forgive a mistake, a fault, a problem, if you are open to it. If you can hope for a better future, a better way for someone whose done something wrong.]
I was a child who should have listened. All the warning signs were being yelled at me and I thought my ego was more important.
[Leo sighs, thumbing along Peter's arm with his gaze down. Focused on the folds of the sheets Peter's laying on.]
It took the world being destroyed and my brother dead for me to learn how to listen. It shouldn't've. I almost lost you today too. [He's... scared. Not something he'll say but it comes through loud and clear, some part of him now years later still holding that child he was deep down in himself. Some piece of himself he rolls over in his mind when it's dark and everyone is asleep around him, that he can look at from every angle and examine with a fine toothed comb to find the cracks and imperfections since no one else ever will. Celebrated hero and leader, but only his family knew the truth. He was an idiot.]
Leo, you were scared. I don't... was it even about ego? You were handed so much responsibility and expected to just know what you were doing? Its hard to listen, to see what you're doing when you're trying to pretend something isn't scary or new.
[He shifts a little on the bed, trying to be closer. He just wants to hold his husband, but the bed and chair are so far apart.] I'm scared too, Leo. I...
This probably sounds stupid, unrelated, but... [He struggles with himself, worried this will make no sense or Leo will switch gears to focus on him. That isn't what Peter wanted.
Even now, decades in, he doesn't talk about Ben much. It is an old wound he considers healed.]
Before I met you, I was doing the same thing you did. Before the war, I mean. I was scared. I was given all this power and responsibility, I didn't know what to do with it. I started just... I snuck out at night, caused trouble where I could in costume, started fights at school, at home, didn't really hear anyone. There were all these warning signs, people telling me I needed to stop.
It took Ben catching me sneaking out to actually make something click. He chased after me, we talked. I told him about my powers next to a bodega in our neighborhood. He promised me, everything would be okay, and we'd figure it out. Made me pinkie promise on it.
[Peter laughs a little softly, his gaze distant. He's seeing past Leo, to something he remembers.] We walked into that bodega during a robbery. I couldn't do anything. I just stood there.
It was my idea to go into the bodega. [He swallows a little.]
I was so angry, I hated myself. It was my fault. If I had been better, if I listened, if I heard people-
I was desperate to make it right. I needed to. [He finally looks at Leo. His expression tired.] I nearly choked a man to death for it. Just to make things right. He killed Ben, so I'd kill him.
I just... barely stopped myself, but I know- I know what it's like, Leo.
[Leo listens. Hearing about Ben is such a rare thing. It's easier in some ways for Peter to talk about May, even with what happened in the end. They don't talk about her much, but it isn't such an off limits topic as Ben is.
But it's also his first time hearing the full story, as much as Peter is willing to tell. It's the most he's ever heard about what happened.
It would be an asshole thing to cheapen it with his own insecurities, his own guilt complex. Leo keeps his hand on Peter's arm, thumbing circles into it. He watches Peter's face before looking back down at some spot in front of him, not really seeing it.]
You didn't know a robbery was going on. I knew full well what I was doing.
[He lets out a huff of breath through his nostrils. Bring himself back down. Come back from the precipice; there's no point in walking off the skyrise now.]
I'm glad you didn't do it. For what it's worth. I think our paths crossing would've been a lot different.
It... isn't exact. I know, but, I just want you to know you aren't alone, Leo. [He wants that much to be clear. He wants Leo to understand why he brought it up.] It doesn't negate the fact we were both children put in situations we shouldn't have been in.
[He manages a slight smile at that.] Spider-Man would have definitely been... very different. I'm happy I met you, that I have you now.
[Peter gently reaches a hand up to rest his fingertips against Leo's cheek. His voice is quiet, but lighter than it has been for most of the conversation.]
Five star Vegas hotel, we're on our second honeymoon. [His smile warms a few degrees.] We get to spend as much time as we want in the hotel room, or out on the strip.
[Is it silly to pretend like this? Yes. They need it though.]
[Leo's quiet, breathing Peter's scent in. Feeling his breathing, his pulse in those fingertips.
He doesn't want to ruin the surprise, but Peter needs something good right now. He lowers his voice to a whisper, still paranoid from the whole morning.]
Donnie is having our things moved to a different room. Security reasons, bio scan and some other locks now. I asked for some custom specifications for us. 's why I'm asking you to stay in here tonight. We kinda... Don't have a place to sleep right now.
[The shift in topic does a fair job of making Peter blink a little. He doesn't draw away, just staying close. He softens a little further, some of the weight from the conversation easing now.] Oh.
I'm- that's a big change. I'd ask about specifications, but, I guess it's a surprise?
[He kisses Peter's hair, softly where he knows the scalp is tender.
The fight isn't resolved, not really. But some kind of understanding reached so the feelings can be set aside for now. They can work it out later when they aren't in the heat of the moment. But he's glad to give Peter something positive to look forward to.]
[He smiles a little bit before shifting his chair to butt right up against the side of the bed. Sits so he can wrap an arm around Peter and tug him against himself.]
Yeah. 'm here all afternoon and night, private showing just for you.
[Leo finally smiles a little more brightly at the kiss, keeping his face pressed into Peter's hair. Still not raising his voice.]
I was gonna ask if you wanted to keep where we were staying as an official office hours space or make it something else for the group and have a meeting room somewhere different.
Maybe a meeting room. [Peter muses as he lazily draws his fingers along Leo's arm.] After what happened today, people are probably going to be a little spooked.
We'll need to soothe frazzled nerves for a good while. Reassure everyone that things are fine, and we're fixing it.
[He resists his urge to nod given his spouse is leaned into him like this.] That would be a good idea. I'm not- official, but it could make people come by more willingly?
We can probably find a way to pay any actual licensed therapist in extra rations or something for the work? Since it'll be a lot to take on. [Whilst Peter essentially never asked for extra anything, but just wanted to help.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Leo. Actually believe in it. I know you don't. [He feels like he's warranted a little frustration, especially since Leo operates on obfuscation. Hide what he's thinking behind a mask, bury the guilt even as it festers to boil over.
Peter knows that feeling intimately. He does the same damn thing.]
Us taking a break didn't lead to this. It never was connected. If you decide it was just to feel even worse about the situation, I'm going to make you eat this spoon.
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I don't think that's the best way to get the recommended daily dose of iron.
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Leo.[That is definitely a warning in his voice.]
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Peter. [There's just as much warning in his voice as there is a plea.
He's glad now for the privacy wall Donnie gave them. Maybe he should make use of it while they can. But his eyes stay trained level at his husband, his voice low on instinct. He's so rarely this openly personal in the open like this.]
It is a logistical fact that if we hadn't slept in, by my insistence and doing, we wouldn't have been in the position to start with. Sure, the guy may have gotten you or both of us somewhere else, but at least the situation would have been different. I'm not gonna dwell on the what ifs because frankly, they don't matter as much as what did happen.
And what did happen? Is you married a mutant who loves you enough to keep you in bed for one morning that put you in this position. So sorry if I take it a little personally.
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Any time they fight, he folds. It's easier. It means they can function. It's all they can even do anymore. All they have is survival, and each other. Peter knows the patterns, he understands what he should be doing. What makes things easier for them.
His husband being this actively vulnerable is almost surreal now. Not when both of them have built up walls against anything that could hurt them.
His own voice is quiet, still a little sharp.]
It's a pattern, Leo. Something goes wrong, and you carry the guilt like a weight you can never let go of. Like you deserve to feel shit about it forever.
You think I don't see it? You think I don't do the same damn thing over every little thing I couldn't fix perfectly? That I couldn't predict?
[He blows out a little breath.]
I don't think this is your fault. I know it isn't. That's just... a piece of what I'm talking about.
[He runs a hand through his curls, wincing at the tender places along his scalp where he pulled his hair too hard earlier. His healing factor will get to that eventually. Right now, it's focused on the bullet wound.]
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Everything that goes wrong with the war, the Resistance, their lives, Leo does feel responsible for. How could he not?]
...At what point do I start getting blamed seriously? [His voice lowers again, carefully even. He isn't angry at Peter, he's angry at the man who shot him. At the war, at himself.] No one ever blames me for anything even when all of this? Everything we're in right now is my fault.
[Sure there'd been some yelling at the start those first few months, maybe the first year. But it had all gotten set aside for the sake of community, cooperation. Leo and Raph having to step up and do what had to be done. And then Raph.. Well.
Leo carried a big brother sized weight on his shoulders not long after that too. And still no one blamed him.]
None of us would be in this situation if it weren't for me.
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I'll blame you when It's something that's actively your fault. Never the start of this, not for what happened today- not for things that just happen where there is no way to control or predict it.
Even then, if something is your fault, I'll never hold it against you. [If there is one thing Peter has learned, forgiveness and hope go hand in hand. It's easier to forgive a mistake, a fault, a problem, if you are open to it. If you can hope for a better future, a better way for someone whose done something wrong.]
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[Leo sighs, thumbing along Peter's arm with his gaze down. Focused on the folds of the sheets Peter's laying on.]
It took the world being destroyed and my brother dead for me to learn how to listen. It shouldn't've. I almost lost you today too. [He's... scared. Not something he'll say but it comes through loud and clear, some part of him now years later still holding that child he was deep down in himself. Some piece of himself he rolls over in his mind when it's dark and everyone is asleep around him, that he can look at from every angle and examine with a fine toothed comb to find the cracks and imperfections since no one else ever will. Celebrated hero and leader, but only his family knew the truth. He was an idiot.]
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[He shifts a little on the bed, trying to be closer. He just wants to hold his husband, but the bed and chair are so far apart.] I'm scared too, Leo. I...
This probably sounds stupid, unrelated, but... [He struggles with himself, worried this will make no sense or Leo will switch gears to focus on him. That isn't what Peter wanted.
Even now, decades in, he doesn't talk about Ben much. It is an old wound he considers healed.]
Before I met you, I was doing the same thing you did. Before the war, I mean. I was scared. I was given all this power and responsibility, I didn't know what to do with it. I started just... I snuck out at night, caused trouble where I could in costume, started fights at school, at home, didn't really hear anyone. There were all these warning signs, people telling me I needed to stop.
It took Ben catching me sneaking out to actually make something click. He chased after me, we talked. I told him about my powers next to a bodega in our neighborhood. He promised me, everything would be okay, and we'd figure it out. Made me pinkie promise on it.
[Peter laughs a little softly, his gaze distant. He's seeing past Leo, to something he remembers.] We walked into that bodega during a robbery. I couldn't do anything. I just stood there.
It was my idea to go into the bodega. [He swallows a little.]
I was so angry, I hated myself. It was my fault. If I had been better, if I listened, if I heard people-
I was desperate to make it right. I needed to. [He finally looks at Leo. His expression tired.] I nearly choked a man to death for it. Just to make things right. He killed Ben, so I'd kill him.
I just... barely stopped myself, but I know- I know what it's like, Leo.
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But it's also his first time hearing the full story, as much as Peter is willing to tell. It's the most he's ever heard about what happened.
It would be an asshole thing to cheapen it with his own insecurities, his own guilt complex. Leo keeps his hand on Peter's arm, thumbing circles into it. He watches Peter's face before looking back down at some spot in front of him, not really seeing it.]
You didn't know a robbery was going on. I knew full well what I was doing.
[He lets out a huff of breath through his nostrils. Bring himself back down. Come back from the precipice; there's no point in walking off the skyrise now.]
I'm glad you didn't do it. For what it's worth. I think our paths crossing would've been a lot different.
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[He manages a slight smile at that.] Spider-Man would have definitely been... very different. I'm happy I met you, that I have you now.
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[He leans forward a little, resting his head against Peter's gently.]
Would change this situation if I could, though. At least to a five star Vegas hotel or something.
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Five star Vegas hotel, we're on our second honeymoon. [His smile warms a few degrees.] We get to spend as much time as we want in the hotel room, or out on the strip.
[Is it silly to pretend like this? Yes. They need it though.]
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He doesn't want to ruin the surprise, but Peter needs something good right now. He lowers his voice to a whisper, still paranoid from the whole morning.]
Donnie is having our things moved to a different room. Security reasons, bio scan and some other locks now. I asked for some custom specifications for us. 's why I'm asking you to stay in here tonight. We kinda... Don't have a place to sleep right now.
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I'm- that's a big change. I'd ask about specifications, but, I guess it's a surprise?
[He knows you, Leo.]
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[He kisses Peter's hair, softly where he knows the scalp is tender.
The fight isn't resolved, not really. But some kind of understanding reached so the feelings can be set aside for now. They can work it out later when they aren't in the heat of the moment. But he's glad to give Peter something positive to look forward to.]
You'll see.
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They need to talk later. Later, when Peter isn't freshly low on blood and when the two of them aren't wrung out.]
Can you hold me, just a little bit? I know... you can't get in bed with me, but I just want to be close.
[He's trying for a compromise.]
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Yeah. 'm here all afternoon and night, private showing just for you.
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Oh good, my favorite show is on. [Leo gets a lazy peck on the shoulder for his efforts.]
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[Leo finally smiles a little more brightly at the kiss, keeping his face pressed into Peter's hair. Still not raising his voice.]
I was gonna ask if you wanted to keep where we were staying as an official office hours space or make it something else for the group and have a meeting room somewhere different.
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[He focuses on that touch, the warmth in Peter's fingertips.]
Maybe a counseling office?
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[He resists his urge to nod given his spouse is leaned into him like this.] That would be a good idea. I'm not- official, but it could make people come by more willingly?
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