[That relief is something Leo gets to feel for a second or so before he welcomes it all, the whole ordeal having gotten a little easier the couple of times he's done with this with Don and diving into Hunter's heartscape.
He closes his eyes as he sits up straight, focusing on Raph and his ninpo. That big warm hulking energy of protection and love and relief and worry, letting it shape the space around them so it's more than just a void.
The sound of rushing water fills his ears, a chilled mist breezing past as they sit on the rocks below a waterfall. Familiar. Somewhere triumphant for them as brothers, as family. The skies are blue mostly turning oranges and pinks, the farthest east horizon shifting to a warm dark purple as the light fades.
But it is still their own minds, and there are still bits of themselves flickering through. A bit of music in the distance that wouldn't come from anywhere if they were really in the woods by Todd's puppy...rescue. Is it Hozier? Probably.]
[ It takes Raph a second. Not for lack of willingness as much as just being out of practice with this. He hasn't gone all-in on a mindmeld since. Well. The Belos thing. And that had a whole different vibe.
He sends a little pulse Leo's way as a placeholder. A zip of feeling, like rumbling laughter, joy in the familiarity.
(Call him biased. He probably is. Raph has a lot of important, cherished memories. What they did here is one of the most important of them all.)
He gets his metaphorical sea legs without any actual problems, though. Posts up on his own rock all in one piece, legs crossed. ]
There. Yeah. Much better.
Thanks for bein' up for this.
[ Best case scenario, they can come out of this breathing a little easier. God knows they gotta take that kind of relief where they can get it in this place. ]
'Course. Made the promise to Donnie that we'd do it whenever to keep tabs, open offer to you too, big bro.
[It's relaxing though. Stretching his metaphorical legs a bit as they sit. Truth be told, he hasn't done a proper mind melding since the Belos incident. Or the weird dreams of others walking around his heart after the forest fire. But this? The willing allowance of his brothers into his head even a little had been a distant thought after Belos. Internal cleaning crews getting the last of that goop up and outta there.
(They didn't get it all. Sometimes he still hears echos of Belos' voice ridiculing him in his dreams as he beats Leo to a pulp in the giant mechanical suit in the space wreckage. Who needs sleep right?)
He looks around a little at the setting their brains honed in on and that's fitting. The ultimate place of trust, where Raph finally was able to put it on the line and let them save him.]
Sooooo..... [Turns out he's bad at starting these conversations. The waterfall behind him's surface reflecting a bit of his own feelings - nervous, bouncy energy, contained in a small glass box starting to crack under the pressure.]
[ He's gonna keep a little mental note about the open offer thing. A good note. Because it's good in a way that is definitely clearly a hundred percent very different from the Robin's Egg team boon.
(Mind meld is almost exactly the same thing.) ]
So.
[ Raph drums his fingers on his leg for a few seconds. Once in a while he really wishes he was better at detailed approaches. Because in moments like these, the drawbacks of "well I know what I need to get to, so I'll go in that direction and deal with whatever crosses my path on the way" really shine. Leaves Mind Raph putting on blast for him that he should've had a first point to touch picked out.
He'll make do. He's the one who asked for this talk, so the ball's his to pick up. ]
I... [ Frustration, mostly self-directed. Raph is not his own go-to guy if he needs words done well. ]
You didn't really want it when dad put you in charge, did you.
[ We did it fam. Raph got there, and it only took from the series finale until roughly one IC day ago. ]
[Leave it to Raph to not beat around the bush. A sense of relief washes through on his side, he doesn't have to outright say it. Leo's shoulders slump in that way one does when a heavy weight's been lifted off one's back.]
No. No, I uh. Really didn't. I still don't know why he did that- [Confusion, irritation. But mostly confusion, and feeling overwhelmed. Leo hadn't ever wanted to be in charge of anything, it was too much.] I mean, you had it just fine before all that, and especially after this [He gestures to the Falls around them, that moment sort of crystalized in his memory. The moment Raph let them help him.] happened, so I dunno what dad was thinking.
[ Okay. One thing down. Official answer, a lot of things moved from the unsolved Leo files into the settled ones.
Raph doesn't feel any relief to know it. He's glad that it brings Leo relief to have the band-aid ripped off. Sincerely.
It may be a little muddled in alongside a veritable cocktail. Hurt, some fresh, some older. A worn-in what did I do wrong that comes standard in a son-of-Splinter, overall Hamato clan emotional starter kit. Confusion of his own, another spike of frustration that he tries to wrangle down.
(Some thread of dry amusement. Because of course Leo wouldn't see why, somehow. Of course for all the million things he notices about everything else, he'd miss something that clear about himself.) ]
[He feels that, looking up at Raph like he's putting together a little puzzle. Or a big one, Raph is a big guy so naturally big puzzle.
He lets that cool mist from the falls keep him a little calmer. Why did Dad do this to them? Because it does feel like something he chose to do to them, and not an agreement they all came to together. Maybe if it'd been worked up to, maybe if it had been discussed, it could've been easier. Maybe Leo would've even felt prepared.]
How was I supposed to? [There's no heat to the question, just a genuine question.] Dad had expectations of me, and you were dealing with the change...
[ Expectations. Expectations he didn't stay tuned in to try to help with. Fallout he wasn't there for, stuff to deal with and adjust to that he didn't give anyone a guideline about.
It still stings. If Raph's honest. Their dad making that call and stepping back like it wasn't a big deal, like it couldn't be life or death if something serious happened (said a highly intense and historically overprotective king).
Not mad, not bitter, not even really surprised. Just stung and disappointed.
... well.
Maybe a little mad specifically right now. ]
Leo, you're like a hundred times more important than either of those!
[ No, come on, reel it in some, Raph. Get a grip. Yelling is not communicating. He can do it. He can kinda sorta do it.
He can't do it. He wants to punch the sun as if it'll prove his point. The entire planet should know he's offended on Leo's behalf and not a hundred percent sure who the right offense target is. ]
[Yelling isn't communicating. Even as Leo's own ninpo seems to draw back from the outburst before the words sink in, what Raph is trying to say.
Disbelief. A little mild confusion that Raph is offended on his behalf? Shouldn't he be offended for himself? He instinctively wants to ask: Am I more important than those expectations? His own self-doubt creeping in. He knows, logically, emotionally, that they all care about each other and want each other to be happy and safe. But there's still sometimes that feeling. Those times way early on his suggestions or plans were glossed over, his sharing he few things he purely enjoys with them to be made a joke (he REALLY wanted them to be as psyched as he was about MTH.
Not the point. It isn't the point of this conversation. Leo shakes his head a little to jostle those thoughts before he goes too deep into that. Focus. Regroup.]
[ What if we mind melded to talk about our issues and had to try to stop ourselves from going on little feelings spirals, and we were both mutant turtles.
Feeling Leo's side of the equation is enough to push Raph from trying to get a handle to actually getting a handle. He shakes his hands out to try to dismiss the tension, looks down at them.
It mostly feels like guilt. A stone-heavy sense of responsibility for what Leo's feeling, second nature. Some confusion for the confusion-- he thought he was pretty clear?
Raph doesn't have an answer on tap for the question right away. He hesitates. Flounders a little, trying to figure out what to say and where to start. ]
Tell me? Text me. Stick a note to my shell.
[ Is it even about "should've done" or "did wrong"??? Because it feels like that's a side step away from the point. How is he supposed to know? (He's the one who's here. He guesses whether he knows or not doesn't matter. He needs to know anyway.) ]
Why was I gonna push back if I thought you really wanted to give it a shot?
Because it's your spot? It was always your spot, I never even wanted it.
[He says it easily enough now that the hump of starting the conversation is over.]
But then you never tried to fight me about it or try to take it back, so I figured maybe you didn't want it all those years either, and I didn't wanna shove it back on you-
[It was a dumb, sixteen year old idea. The thought that maybe he could annoy Raph into taking it back. But even as those two months went on, Leo regretted it. But it was one of those situations where once he took the first step, he couldn't go back. Not without a lot of awkwardness he wanted to avoid.]
...After I'd done all that, if I'd come to you and really told you I didn't want it and asked you to take it back, would you have?
[ The problem with doing this talk connected like this, Raph thinks, is that there's no amount of bluffing or subject-changing or convenient omission that can hide the fact that Leo's right. He never wanted it either. He just wanted to look out for his brothers.
He doesn't know if he's hurt that Leo tried to manipulate his way out of it or relieved that's what it was all along. Not just-- looking at something Raph worked hard at, took seriously, something important, and deciding it wasn't worth all that.
Relieved, maybe. He's leaning that way. ]
Yeah. I would've. [ At least that answer's easy. He's the big brother. He did it before, he could do it again. After unlocking their ninpo, after Shredder, it would've been less terrifying. Less lonely. But... ]
I mean, maybe I would've put out some feelers about, uh. Playin' training wheels for you. Or working out a system where you could take point on some missions. I dunno. 'cause you're good, y'know? You're a natural. And I trust you. [ And there, reflected in the water, a little wave of light passing through it, is blue.
Leo was the first one he learned to trust like that. ]
Pops didn't think that idea up just for kicks, buddy.
[ Leo sees more angles. Usually has a good read on people. Has a good head for detailed planning. Knows how to motivate, cares about everyone being safe. He's really good. Would it have been fair to hold him back from growing into it? ]
[He has to fight the kneejerk response, that immediate instinctual reaction to argue, to fight. The hurt that even now, no one asked what he wanted and assumed Leo would want to lead. Whether he has the skills and know-how or not, he didn't want it. He especially didn't want it thrust on him suddenly with no warning.
But Raph does trust him. Raph trusted him when Leo asked him to, and it means the world to him. Knowing his big brother will trust him when the chips are down.]
I- [Uggghhhh talking. They are talking and working this out, not arguing.] I know. I know, you and dad think I'd be good at it.
...But after everything that happened, I dunno if I'm the best choice there.
[ A little confusion-- Raph's not sure how "put out feelers" wouldn't include asking Leo how it sounded. He'll follow with a much more deliberately sent apologetic feeling. He kind of has no idea what he's doing. In general, usually, but especially just... this whole situation right now. (He makes a little note to self to include an actual apology when it wouldn't feel like a weird interjection. Leo clearly deserves one.)
Raph's starting to wonder, between this and the Witch Town memory he saw a while back, if it turns out he actually did inherit their dad's way of assuming everyone else was on the same thoughts and feelings level about stuff and barreling forward with it.
All the nagging and lecturing and pushing he did not wanting Leo to have to learn the tough parts the hard way, to feel like he used to feel, and he never stopped to ask if Leo felt the way he used to feel already. Right from jump.
Raph shrugs one shoulder. ]
I still think you're a great choice. If you ever do want it. I'm proud of you either way.
[ That Is A Threat. He'll be very proud.
If, uh. Also quietly absolutely terrified of Leo making a choice to sacrifice himself like that again. ]
[It's heartening to hear. Enough there's gratitude coming from his side of things. It feels good to hear, even if he doesn't want to be leader. Not the way things played out.
Leo takes a breath and tilts his head back, watching the water behind and above him flow down to hit the rocks they're sitting on.]
I still think you're the best choice of that though. Always were, even if we made it tough.
[And then there's some apology there. Unspoken, but felt. They're brothers in his mind first and foremost, even when things got dangerous and they needed to be more serious. Leo never wanted them to get too lost in being heroes and forget they're brothers first.
But then there's nervous energy. A flash in the reflective water behind him of Krang Prime towering over him before he blinks it back, eyes closed tight for a second.]
I think you should take it back over. If you guys get out of here.
[ Easy affection. A candle in the dark. A solid, real hand to grab instead of hitting the bottom, I want you to know I finally understand.
Brothers first.
Not sure what the emotional equivalent of almost reflexively punching some water is. Probably a very brief jolt of equal parts anger, fear, and protectiveness. His apologies, Leo, let him balance that out with, dare he say, more confusion. ]
And we're all gonna get outta here.
[ Raph believes that.
He believes it whether he really believes it or not.
There are a lot of things a turtle can substitute with grit and frankly unhinged depths of stubbornness. Hope is one of those things, right.
(... it's weird to hear Leo say "if." "You guys," like he's separate. Don't care for that one bit.) ]
[There's a bone deep exhaustion to Leo's face as he looks up at Raph. A reality he's been turning over in his mind since he got here months ago, one he's come to accept now with the promise Hunter made him. Raph doesn't know. Or maybe doesn't want to know and has politely looked the other way at every opportunity.]
...Yeah, you're right. You guys are definitely gonna get back home.
[Not 'out of here' this time; Leo has determined he'll get out of Temple Horizon. Just maybe not 'home'.]
I tried to make it easy when I could. [Keeping the guys focused when they all got unruly. Making sure they had the bigger picture in mind, bringing up things he thought were obvious when he realized they weren't. All little things just to help Raph lead.]
....Did... Don talk to you? About. [He should talk about it. It's the whole point of why they're doing this. But why is it so hard?] About what happened.
[ Okay yeah. Did not imagine that "you guys" situation. That's a purposeful line being drawn. There's something he doesn't know that he should know. Or that he knows and maybe doesn't know he knows the way that he was supposed to know he knows it?
Anxiety is already starting to creep in. Like most of Raph's feelings, it only really comes in sledgehammer strength. A do something fix it bleeding into self-directed irritation, that he's never learned to cut back as much as he's learned it usually works out better if he can keep himself on a leash until it eases up.
They're here together. Whatever it is, they'll figure it out. ]
Depends on what 'what' you mean. I hate to say it, but we got a 'what happened' list about as long as both my arms put together. [ That's probably not super helpful.
There's still a list if he narrows it down to generally what they're here for. But it's a less huge list. ] He, uh. He showed me some of what happened after the escape pods?
[ He doesn't regret what he did, there, but he does feel guilty. Especially seeing the fallout he wasn't there for.
Leo angry. Really actually angry. Pushing through, no stopping to think first, not listening. Raph remembers as much as he remembers other parts of what Leo said to get through to him. Like half a dream, a little warped, you didn't yell because you were mad, you yelled because you were scared. ]
I feel like maybe that's not exactly what you mean.
[He figured Don and Raph talked over at Egg, more than either would ever really tell him. But knowing that Raph saw how Leo was immediately after... There's a little bit of shame there. He's never just lost his temper before, hates even remembering he has one. But that Raph saw... He isn't sure what to think about it.
But there is a long "what happened" list if he's being honest. He rubs at the back of his neck with trembling hands.]
Y-yeah. There was.. It was a lot that day.
["That day", because it's been months now in this place.] Sorry you had to see it.
[Just do it. Rip off the band-aid, fast and quick. Sometimes it's good to ease Raph into things, but sometimes you do just have to do it quick.]
I was talking about after the portal cut off. I-
[Just fucking say it. Stop hesitating. He's gone out of his way to talk around it, allude, hint, but never just outright say it. Raph deserves that much from him after what he did.] I died in there, Raph. Right before this place.
[ For as hard a time as he sometimes has wrapping his head around how Leo thinks, for as poorly as it went, he could see it for what it was.
He's done the same thing before, after all.
(Some part of himself he tends not to look at, childlike and hidden away in the back of his mind, holds onto the fact that Leo was trying to find him the whole time like it's a life raft.)
There are many things Raph's ready to expect to follow at the tail end there.
"I died in there" is not one of them. That fully does not compute. Confusion, in a strange drawn-back sort of form. Like the water at a shore might start to pull away when a giant wave is coming. ]
But we saved you. I was there for that part.
[ It wasn't even like a thing he heard after the fact?? Sir? ]
[Ho boy. That reaction tells him everything in very quick succession. He wants to both thank and also strangle Donnie for keeping his promise to not talk about it.
He stares up at his big brother, a face that Raph probably saw a million times growing up. His little brother in blue scared and guilty. He knows he has to explain it all.]
I haven't gotten there yet.
How- I know you and Dee are from months ahead of mine, but how much did you talk to him and Casey Junior about the timeline stuff? And how we changed the future, created a split timeline, all of that?
Raph takes a brief and incriminating few seconds of silence. Everything and everyone was kind of a mess right after the fact. There's honestly not much about that first week or so that he remembers super clearly. ]
Not much. I know it got all sci-fi and branchy. So CJ's future isn't gone-gone, but it also, uh. Is. Gone. [ By the time he did get the basic rundown, if he's totally honest, he didn't... care too much about the details.
Like, he cared, but the first and most important priority was being grateful and relieved that they all made it through. That even with the injuries and the laundry list of necessary medical procedures and the nightmares and the scarcity of supplies what with New York being a whole mess, he had his family in reach. Alive.
Very something-something timeline time travel anyway the point is no, Casey Junior will not be fading out of existence like in Back to the Future, Raph, he's a permanent addition to the family.
Which he didn't have complaints about. The kid's both very nice and a real lifesaver. ]
And I know you got here from before we got you out. [ Which he's worried about if he thinks about it too long. Stubborn determination that everyone's gonna get out of here and go where they want is the end goal. What he's always gonna be trying to push towards.
He doesn't know what Leo's situation looks like if there's no putting people back in the moment they came from, though. Time-wise.
What happens if they opened that portal and there was no Leo in any kind of shape to pull through it? But Leo ends up where he got taken from like, months later, because he was there and got nabbed for this stupid cult at the worst possible moment? How does Leo get saved again if he ends up back there but it's changed so that they all think they lost him?
How would that even mix into the dumb time travel stuff they already have going on? ]
So-- what, you think you're from a different one? [ wait they have two canonical timelines already ] A different different one.
[ At no point did Raph apply the 2+2 of the canonical timeline branches to their whole personal time situation here. He has fully been on team "oh yeah we all technically came from different days, but we'll figure it out, I dunno."
Because plans, he can do. Kill a big snake. Keep people as safe as he can until they get there. Strategies with complex timeline ramifications, he's not really built for.
(Respectfully with all his heart, he hates everything about it and a lot about what is happening here.) ]
[He feels all that. Lets it wash over him, that apprehension and fear. The worry from his big brother about the possibilities he can conceive of, different from what Leo's focused on while he's been here.
It isn't a bad thing. It's just different; they've always looked at different angles of the same thing and put it together.]
I mean, probably? I just- I felt it. For a split second before I woke up here.
[For that brief moment before he opened his eyes on the temple floor, he felt his heart stop. His thoughts go empty and the darkness starting to come for him before this place swept him up into its grasp instead.
He can't help how his own memory of the moments flash in the reflection behind him, the arms of that robotic exosuit built to destroy and conquer crashing into and cracking his shell, his bones underneath, hit after hit.
He's trembling as he sits here, clenching his eyes shut for a minute before he looks back up at Raph. There's another unspoken apology there. He isn't asking Raph to understand the complexities of timelines and splits and all that. Just to understand that the Leo in front of him might not be the one they got out before it was too late.]
Can't really prove it one way or the other but... I'm. I'm pretty sure. Talked with Dee about it some, but he's too stubborn to listen to me. Hunter- [He bites on his bottom lip thinking for a second.] Hunter's kinda guessed at it.
[ Okay. Alright. Okay. Raph goes ahead and thinks that very hard at himself, okay, tries to make it into a mental anchor, watches the images flash on the water and tries to not get overwhelmed by wanting to tear a hole in dimensions himself and pull up to rip the tongue out of that chewed-up gumwad's mouth just for a start--
Leo is Leo. If there were ten Leos in here with him they'd all be his, and anyone who touches them anyone who takes them away anything that tries it--
(Succeeded. Somewhere. Some time.
It's not okay.)
And that knocks the wind out of his metaphorical sails. Maybe not in the full scope of science or detailed understanding of the theory, and why Leo even feels sorry goes right into the confusion vortex, but. The concept. What Leo is saying, what Leo was feeling.
Leo will feel it when that comes home to roost. Less because of an extensive emotional sledgehammer and more because after about two seconds of a too-big, discordant mess-
- a grief so crushingly heavy he couldn't stand through it, "one day you will understand-" get it together, Leo's right here, he's right here, he needs- guiltguiltguilt- even a broken stupid cult kidnapping system clock is right twice a day, apparently- "the sacrifice we must make-"
- Raph looks back to Leo and maybe panics a little bit, and slams up the best emotional wall he can commit to on the fly. Just need a minute. Just need to fortify for a minute until that eases up, because this isn't about him. It's about Leo. Raph can feel feelings about things literally whenever he wants.
He reaches out with his hands instead, in this place and in the real world, a careful grab, straddling the line between attempted comfort and reassuring himself that Leo's there to reach for at all. ]
We'll figure somethin' out. Okay? I don't know what somethin' looks like yet, but we're definitely gonna figure it. I promise. You're gonna be fine.
[ They just absolutely a hundred percent... can't... send Leo back the way he came from. Once all this is over.
But that's probably plenty of time to figure out other options. ]
[For just that split second, he feels it, feels those words. A woman's voice, sad and regretful- Before Raph blocks it out, hides it away.
What is he hiding? What had Raph heard? But feeling how protective Raph is hearing it all, it... Feels different than Don's stubborn need to try and 'save' him. He lets his hands (and entire forearms, really) be taken, turning his wrists so he can grip Raph's wrists right back. Brotherly bonds, brotherly handholding, it's allowed. He's never shied away from physical affection with them and he wasn't about to start now.
But now he's going to wonder. He should tell his brother the other part.]
We will, yeah. Um. Hunter kinda - We talked some. And he offered to let me go with him if we ever find a way out of this place. [It's not the same as going home home, but it's still... Sort of home. In a way. He's thought about the logistics, that the Boiling Isles has a portal to the east coast, and he could easily portal himself to Manhattan for visits.]
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Re: Day ~90 probably
He closes his eyes as he sits up straight, focusing on Raph and his ninpo. That big warm hulking energy of protection and love and relief and worry, letting it shape the space around them so it's more than just a void.
The sound of rushing water fills his ears, a chilled mist breezing past as they sit on the rocks below a waterfall. Familiar. Somewhere triumphant for them as brothers, as family. The skies are blue mostly turning oranges and pinks, the farthest east horizon shifting to a warm dark purple as the light fades.
But it is still their own minds, and there are still bits of themselves flickering through. A bit of music in the distance that wouldn't come from anywhere if they were really in the woods by Todd's puppy...rescue. Is it Hozier? Probably.]
Raph? You here with me?
Re: Day ~90 probably
He sends a little pulse Leo's way as a placeholder. A zip of feeling, like rumbling laughter, joy in the familiarity.
(Call him biased. He probably is. Raph has a lot of important, cherished memories. What they did here is one of the most important of them all.)
He gets his metaphorical sea legs without any actual problems, though. Posts up on his own rock all in one piece, legs crossed. ]
There. Yeah. Much better.
Thanks for bein' up for this.
[ Best case scenario, they can come out of this breathing a little easier. God knows they gotta take that kind of relief where they can get it in this place. ]
Re: Day ~90 probably
[It's relaxing though. Stretching his metaphorical legs a bit as they sit. Truth be told, he hasn't done a proper mind melding since the Belos incident. Or the weird dreams of others walking around his heart after the forest fire. But this? The willing allowance of his brothers into his head even a little had been a distant thought after Belos. Internal cleaning crews getting the last of that goop up and outta there.
(They didn't get it all. Sometimes he still hears echos of Belos' voice ridiculing him in his dreams as he beats Leo to a pulp in the giant mechanical suit in the space wreckage. Who needs sleep right?)
He looks around a little at the setting their brains honed in on and that's fitting. The ultimate place of trust, where Raph finally was able to put it on the line and let them save him.]
Sooooo..... [Turns out he's bad at starting these conversations. The waterfall behind him's surface reflecting a bit of his own feelings - nervous, bouncy energy, contained in a small glass box starting to crack under the pressure.]
Re: Day ~90 probably
(Mind meld is almost exactly the same thing.) ]
So.
[ Raph drums his fingers on his leg for a few seconds. Once in a while he really wishes he was better at detailed approaches. Because in moments like these, the drawbacks of "well I know what I need to get to, so I'll go in that direction and deal with whatever crosses my path on the way" really shine. Leaves Mind Raph putting on blast for him that he should've had a first point to touch picked out.
He'll make do. He's the one who asked for this talk, so the ball's his to pick up. ]
I... [ Frustration, mostly self-directed. Raph is not his own go-to guy if he needs words done well. ]
You didn't really want it when dad put you in charge, did you.
[ We did it fam. Raph got there, and it only took from the series finale until roughly one IC day ago. ]
Re: Day ~90 probably
No. No, I uh. Really didn't. I still don't know why he did that- [Confusion, irritation. But mostly confusion, and feeling overwhelmed. Leo hadn't ever wanted to be in charge of anything, it was too much.] I mean, you had it just fine before all that, and especially after this [He gestures to the Falls around them, that moment sort of crystalized in his memory. The moment Raph let them help him.] happened, so I dunno what dad was thinking.
Re: Day ~90 probably
Raph doesn't feel any relief to know it. He's glad that it brings Leo relief to have the band-aid ripped off. Sincerely.
It may be a little muddled in alongside a veritable cocktail. Hurt, some fresh, some older. A worn-in what did I do wrong that comes standard in a son-of-Splinter, overall Hamato clan emotional starter kit. Confusion of his own, another spike of frustration that he tries to wrangle down.
(Some thread of dry amusement. Because of course Leo wouldn't see why, somehow. Of course for all the million things he notices about everything else, he'd miss something that clear about himself.) ]
Why didn't you just tell me?
Re: Day ~90 probably
He lets that cool mist from the falls keep him a little calmer. Why did Dad do this to them? Because it does feel like something he chose to do to them, and not an agreement they all came to together. Maybe if it'd been worked up to, maybe if it had been discussed, it could've been easier. Maybe Leo would've even felt prepared.]
How was I supposed to? [There's no heat to the question, just a genuine question.] Dad had expectations of me, and you were dealing with the change...
Re: Day ~90 probably
It still stings. If Raph's honest. Their dad making that call and stepping back like it wasn't a big deal, like it couldn't be life or death if something serious happened (said a highly intense and historically overprotective king).
Not mad, not bitter, not even really surprised. Just stung and disappointed.
... well.
Maybe a little mad specifically right now. ]
Leo, you're like a hundred times more important than either of those!
[ No, come on, reel it in some, Raph. Get a grip. Yelling is not communicating. He can do it. He can kinda sorta do it.
He can't do it. He wants to punch the sun as if it'll prove his point. The entire planet should know he's offended on Leo's behalf and not a hundred percent sure who the right offense target is. ]
Re: Day ~90 probably
Disbelief. A little mild confusion that Raph is offended on his behalf? Shouldn't he be offended for himself? He instinctively wants to ask: Am I more important than those expectations? His own self-doubt creeping in. He knows, logically, emotionally, that they all care about each other and want each other to be happy and safe. But there's still sometimes that feeling. Those times way early on his suggestions or plans were glossed over, his sharing he few things he purely enjoys with them to be made a joke (he REALLY wanted them to be as psyched as he was about MTH.
Not the point. It isn't the point of this conversation. Leo shakes his head a little to jostle those thoughts before he goes too deep into that. Focus. Regroup.]
What should I have done then?
Re: Day ~90 probably
Feeling Leo's side of the equation is enough to push Raph from trying to get a handle to actually getting a handle. He shakes his hands out to try to dismiss the tension, looks down at them.
It mostly feels like guilt. A stone-heavy sense of responsibility for what Leo's feeling, second nature. Some confusion for the confusion-- he thought he was pretty clear?
Raph doesn't have an answer on tap for the question right away. He hesitates. Flounders a little, trying to figure out what to say and where to start. ]
Tell me? Text me. Stick a note to my shell.
[ Is it even about "should've done" or "did wrong"??? Because it feels like that's a side step away from the point. How is he supposed to know? (He's the one who's here. He guesses whether he knows or not doesn't matter. He needs to know anyway.) ]
Why was I gonna push back if I thought you really wanted to give it a shot?
Re: Day ~90 probably
[He says it easily enough now that the hump of starting the conversation is over.]
But then you never tried to fight me about it or try to take it back, so I figured maybe you didn't want it all those years either, and I didn't wanna shove it back on you-
[It was a dumb, sixteen year old idea. The thought that maybe he could annoy Raph into taking it back. But even as those two months went on, Leo regretted it. But it was one of those situations where once he took the first step, he couldn't go back. Not without a lot of awkwardness he wanted to avoid.]
...After I'd done all that, if I'd come to you and really told you I didn't want it and asked you to take it back, would you have?
Re: Day ~90 probably
He doesn't know if he's hurt that Leo tried to manipulate his way out of it or relieved that's what it was all along. Not just-- looking at something Raph worked hard at, took seriously, something important, and deciding it wasn't worth all that.
Relieved, maybe. He's leaning that way. ]
Yeah. I would've. [ At least that answer's easy. He's the big brother. He did it before, he could do it again. After unlocking their ninpo, after Shredder, it would've been less terrifying. Less lonely. But... ]
I mean, maybe I would've put out some feelers about, uh. Playin' training wheels for you. Or working out a system where you could take point on some missions. I dunno. 'cause you're good, y'know? You're a natural. And I trust you. [ And there, reflected in the water, a little wave of light passing through it, is blue.
Leo was the first one he learned to trust like that. ]
Pops didn't think that idea up just for kicks, buddy.
[ Leo sees more angles. Usually has a good read on people. Has a good head for detailed planning. Knows how to motivate, cares about everyone being safe. He's really good. Would it have been fair to hold him back from growing into it? ]
Re: Day ~90 probably
But Raph does trust him. Raph trusted him when Leo asked him to, and it means the world to him. Knowing his big brother will trust him when the chips are down.]
I- [Uggghhhh talking. They are talking and working this out, not arguing.] I know. I know, you and dad think I'd be good at it.
...But after everything that happened, I dunno if I'm the best choice there.
Re: Day ~90 probably
Raph's starting to wonder, between this and the Witch Town memory he saw a while back, if it turns out he actually did inherit their dad's way of assuming everyone else was on the same thoughts and feelings level about stuff and barreling forward with it.
All the nagging and lecturing and pushing he did not wanting Leo to have to learn the tough parts the hard way, to feel like he used to feel, and he never stopped to ask if Leo felt the way he used to feel already. Right from jump.
Raph shrugs one shoulder. ]
I still think you're a great choice. If you ever do want it. I'm proud of you either way.
[ That Is A Threat. He'll be very proud.
If, uh. Also quietly absolutely terrified of Leo making a choice to sacrifice himself like that again. ]
Re: Day ~90 probably
Leo takes a breath and tilts his head back, watching the water behind and above him flow down to hit the rocks they're sitting on.]
I still think you're the best choice of that though. Always were, even if we made it tough.
[And then there's some apology there. Unspoken, but felt. They're brothers in his mind first and foremost, even when things got dangerous and they needed to be more serious. Leo never wanted them to get too lost in being heroes and forget they're brothers first.
But then there's nervous energy. A flash in the reflective water behind him of Krang Prime towering over him before he blinks it back, eyes closed tight for a second.]
I think you should take it back over. If you guys get out of here.
Re: Day ~90 probably
[ Easy affection. A candle in the dark. A solid, real hand to grab instead of hitting the bottom, I want you to know I finally understand.
Brothers first.
Not sure what the emotional equivalent of almost reflexively punching some water is. Probably a very brief jolt of equal parts anger, fear, and protectiveness. His apologies, Leo, let him balance that out with, dare he say, more confusion. ]
And we're all gonna get outta here.
[ Raph believes that.
He believes it whether he really believes it or not.
There are a lot of things a turtle can substitute with grit and frankly unhinged depths of stubbornness. Hope is one of those things, right.
(... it's weird to hear Leo say "if." "You guys," like he's separate. Don't care for that one bit.) ]
Re: Day ~90 probably
...Yeah, you're right. You guys are definitely gonna get back home.
[Not 'out of here' this time; Leo has determined he'll get out of Temple Horizon. Just maybe not 'home'.]
I tried to make it easy when I could. [Keeping the guys focused when they all got unruly. Making sure they had the bigger picture in mind, bringing up things he thought were obvious when he realized they weren't. All little things just to help Raph lead.]
....Did... Don talk to you? About. [He should talk about it. It's the whole point of why they're doing this. But why is it so hard?] About what happened.
Re: Day ~90 probably
Anxiety is already starting to creep in. Like most of Raph's feelings, it only really comes in sledgehammer strength. A do something fix it bleeding into self-directed irritation, that he's never learned to cut back as much as he's learned it usually works out better if he can keep himself on a leash until it eases up.
They're here together. Whatever it is, they'll figure it out. ]
Depends on what 'what' you mean. I hate to say it, but we got a 'what happened' list about as long as both my arms put together. [ That's probably not super helpful.
There's still a list if he narrows it down to generally what they're here for. But it's a less huge list. ] He, uh. He showed me some of what happened after the escape pods?
[ He doesn't regret what he did, there, but he does feel guilty. Especially seeing the fallout he wasn't there for.
Leo angry. Really actually angry. Pushing through, no stopping to think first, not listening. Raph remembers as much as he remembers other parts of what Leo said to get through to him. Like half a dream, a little warped, you didn't yell because you were mad, you yelled because you were scared. ]
I feel like maybe that's not exactly what you mean.
Re: Day ~90 probably
But there is a long "what happened" list if he's being honest. He rubs at the back of his neck with trembling hands.]
Y-yeah. There was.. It was a lot that day.
["That day", because it's been months now in this place.] Sorry you had to see it.
[Just do it. Rip off the band-aid, fast and quick. Sometimes it's good to ease Raph into things, but sometimes you do just have to do it quick.]
I was talking about after the portal cut off. I-
[Just fucking say it. Stop hesitating. He's gone out of his way to talk around it, allude, hint, but never just outright say it. Raph deserves that much from him after what he did.] I died in there, Raph. Right before this place.
Re: Day ~90 probably
[ For as hard a time as he sometimes has wrapping his head around how Leo thinks, for as poorly as it went, he could see it for what it was.
He's done the same thing before, after all.
(Some part of himself he tends not to look at, childlike and hidden away in the back of his mind, holds onto the fact that Leo was trying to find him the whole time like it's a life raft.)
There are many things Raph's ready to expect to follow at the tail end there.
"I died in there" is not one of them. That fully does not compute. Confusion, in a strange drawn-back sort of form. Like the water at a shore might start to pull away when a giant wave is coming. ]
But we saved you. I was there for that part.
[ It wasn't even like a thing he heard after the fact?? Sir? ]
Re: Day ~90 probably
He stares up at his big brother, a face that Raph probably saw a million times growing up. His little brother in blue scared and guilty. He knows he has to explain it all.]
I haven't gotten there yet.
How- I know you and Dee are from months ahead of mine, but how much did you talk to him and Casey Junior about the timeline stuff? And how we changed the future, created a split timeline, all of that?
Re: Day ~90 probably
Raph takes a brief and incriminating few seconds of silence. Everything and everyone was kind of a mess right after the fact. There's honestly not much about that first week or so that he remembers super clearly. ]
Not much. I know it got all sci-fi and branchy. So CJ's future isn't gone-gone, but it also, uh. Is. Gone. [ By the time he did get the basic rundown, if he's totally honest, he didn't... care too much about the details.
Like, he cared, but the first and most important priority was being grateful and relieved that they all made it through. That even with the injuries and the laundry list of necessary medical procedures and the nightmares and the scarcity of supplies what with New York being a whole mess, he had his family in reach. Alive.
Very something-something timeline time travel anyway the point is no, Casey Junior will not be fading out of existence like in Back to the Future, Raph, he's a permanent addition to the family.
Which he didn't have complaints about. The kid's both very nice and a real lifesaver. ]
And I know you got here from before we got you out. [ Which he's worried about if he thinks about it too long. Stubborn determination that everyone's gonna get out of here and go where they want is the end goal. What he's always gonna be trying to push towards.
He doesn't know what Leo's situation looks like if there's no putting people back in the moment they came from, though. Time-wise.
What happens if they opened that portal and there was no Leo in any kind of shape to pull through it? But Leo ends up where he got taken from like, months later, because he was there and got nabbed for this stupid cult at the worst possible moment? How does Leo get saved again if he ends up back there but it's changed so that they all think they lost him?
How would that even mix into the dumb time travel stuff they already have going on? ]
So-- what, you think you're from a different one? [ wait they have two canonical timelines already ] A different different one.
[ At no point did Raph apply the 2+2 of the canonical timeline branches to their whole personal time situation here. He has fully been on team "oh yeah we all technically came from different days, but we'll figure it out, I dunno."
Because plans, he can do. Kill a big snake. Keep people as safe as he can until they get there. Strategies with complex timeline ramifications, he's not really built for.
(Respectfully with all his heart, he hates everything about it and a lot about what is happening here.) ]
Re: Day ~90 probably
It isn't a bad thing. It's just different; they've always looked at different angles of the same thing and put it together.]
I mean, probably? I just- I felt it. For a split second before I woke up here.
[For that brief moment before he opened his eyes on the temple floor, he felt his heart stop. His thoughts go empty and the darkness starting to come for him before this place swept him up into its grasp instead.
He can't help how his own memory of the moments flash in the reflection behind him, the arms of that robotic exosuit built to destroy and conquer crashing into and cracking his shell, his bones underneath, hit after hit.
He's trembling as he sits here, clenching his eyes shut for a minute before he looks back up at Raph. There's another unspoken apology there. He isn't asking Raph to understand the complexities of timelines and splits and all that. Just to understand that the Leo in front of him might not be the one they got out before it was too late.]
Can't really prove it one way or the other but... I'm. I'm pretty sure. Talked with Dee about it some, but he's too stubborn to listen to me. Hunter- [He bites on his bottom lip thinking for a second.] Hunter's kinda guessed at it.
Re: Day ~90 probably
Leo is Leo. If there were ten Leos in here with him they'd all be his, and anyone who touches them anyone who takes them away anything that tries it--
(Succeeded. Somewhere. Some time.
It's not okay.)
And that knocks the wind out of his metaphorical sails. Maybe not in the full scope of science or detailed understanding of the theory, and why Leo even feels sorry goes right into the confusion vortex, but. The concept. What Leo is saying, what Leo was feeling.
Leo will feel it when that comes home to roost. Less because of an extensive emotional sledgehammer and more because after about two seconds of a too-big, discordant mess-
- a grief so crushingly heavy he couldn't stand through it, "one day you will understand-" get it together, Leo's right here, he's right here, he needs- guiltguiltguilt- even a broken stupid cult kidnapping system clock is right twice a day, apparently- "the sacrifice we must make-"
- Raph looks back to Leo and maybe panics a little bit, and slams up the best emotional wall he can commit to on the fly. Just need a minute. Just need to fortify for a minute until that eases up, because this isn't about him. It's about Leo. Raph can feel feelings about things literally whenever he wants.
He reaches out with his hands instead, in this place and in the real world, a careful grab, straddling the line between attempted comfort and reassuring himself that Leo's there to reach for at all. ]
We'll figure somethin' out. Okay? I don't know what somethin' looks like yet, but we're definitely gonna figure it. I promise. You're gonna be fine.
[ They just absolutely a hundred percent... can't... send Leo back the way he came from. Once all this is over.
But that's probably plenty of time to figure out other options. ]
Re: Day ~90 probably
What is he hiding? What had Raph heard? But feeling how protective Raph is hearing it all, it... Feels different than Don's stubborn need to try and 'save' him. He lets his hands (and entire forearms, really) be taken, turning his wrists so he can grip Raph's wrists right back. Brotherly bonds, brotherly handholding, it's allowed. He's never shied away from physical affection with them and he wasn't about to start now.
But now he's going to wonder. He should tell his brother the other part.]
We will, yeah. Um. Hunter kinda - We talked some. And he offered to let me go with him if we ever find a way out of this place. [It's not the same as going home home, but it's still... Sort of home. In a way. He's thought about the logistics, that the Boiling Isles has a portal to the east coast, and he could easily portal himself to Manhattan for visits.]
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