[ A little solidarity as a treat. Together they have all the communication strength of the Hamato clan.
He's kinda glad it's just the two of them. Donnie can get awful lecture-y about this stuff and it would feel weird to drag Hunter in on it. As much as he loves them, this is both overdue and very... one-on-one personal. ]
Yep. Lemme know if you need a breather. Don't wanna make you feel brainphobic.
[ Since Leo actually is... very familiar with how messed up it feels to have something evil dig into your head and rifle through your memories. At this point. He's realizing.
Universe give his little brother a break challenge. But that's-- he can put that in a box for later. Probably wouldn't be super helpful to rail against, checks notes, the entire universe at this exact moment. He can do that whenever.
Raph will do what he said he was here to do instead, and try to channel that energy into a ninpo reach-out. ]
[Leo almost lets that energy reach him, almost touches- But holds off for just a second. Leo looks Raph in the eyes.]
And, hey. Promise me. Whatever we feel in there, we don't hold it against the other. Promise?
[Normally, this would be an easy plea. Leo begging Raph not to hold whatever ill will Leo holds against his big brother back against him. But from the way he says it, the tone of his voice? It sounds more like Leo is promising Raph he won't hold anything against him. An offering instead of a request; something Leo wouldn't have done months ago, even weeks ago in his side of time. Focusing his thoughts outward and instead of inward. Leo once again asking Raphael to trust him.]
[ Not sure if he should be worried about this promise. Conceptually.
Put that up to worry being one of his first instincts. ]
I promise.
[ But it's an easy promise to make. A kind of trust Leo's earned a hundred times over. (An assurance that, if Raph is honest, kinda helps to have out there going both ways beforehand.) ]
[Leo says it like it's light. It's easy. Just promise like that. But his smile is warm and genuine in probably a way Raph remembers there after the Krang were gone, even if this Leo hasn't experienced that freedom yet.
So he lets his brother's protective ninpo make contact, his own an electric ball of energy bouncing in anticipation. And maybe a little anxiety.]
[ Man. You don't realize how much you can miss an expression on someone else's face until you see it for the first time in forever. Raph has a moment about it. A little ping of there he is. His brothers should always have the breathing room to look like that.
Which has nothing on the relief that he brings to the table once they connect. (And some anxiety of his own.)
He tries to put love out, first and foremost. Love, pride. A clumsy mental image of trying to surround without smothering. ]
[That relief is something Leo gets to feel for a second or so before he welcomes it all, the whole ordeal having gotten a little easier the couple of times he's done with this with Don and diving into Hunter's heartscape.
He closes his eyes as he sits up straight, focusing on Raph and his ninpo. That big warm hulking energy of protection and love and relief and worry, letting it shape the space around them so it's more than just a void.
The sound of rushing water fills his ears, a chilled mist breezing past as they sit on the rocks below a waterfall. Familiar. Somewhere triumphant for them as brothers, as family. The skies are blue mostly turning oranges and pinks, the farthest east horizon shifting to a warm dark purple as the light fades.
But it is still their own minds, and there are still bits of themselves flickering through. A bit of music in the distance that wouldn't come from anywhere if they were really in the woods by Todd's puppy...rescue. Is it Hozier? Probably.]
[ It takes Raph a second. Not for lack of willingness as much as just being out of practice with this. He hasn't gone all-in on a mindmeld since. Well. The Belos thing. And that had a whole different vibe.
He sends a little pulse Leo's way as a placeholder. A zip of feeling, like rumbling laughter, joy in the familiarity.
(Call him biased. He probably is. Raph has a lot of important, cherished memories. What they did here is one of the most important of them all.)
He gets his metaphorical sea legs without any actual problems, though. Posts up on his own rock all in one piece, legs crossed. ]
There. Yeah. Much better.
Thanks for bein' up for this.
[ Best case scenario, they can come out of this breathing a little easier. God knows they gotta take that kind of relief where they can get it in this place. ]
'Course. Made the promise to Donnie that we'd do it whenever to keep tabs, open offer to you too, big bro.
[It's relaxing though. Stretching his metaphorical legs a bit as they sit. Truth be told, he hasn't done a proper mind melding since the Belos incident. Or the weird dreams of others walking around his heart after the forest fire. But this? The willing allowance of his brothers into his head even a little had been a distant thought after Belos. Internal cleaning crews getting the last of that goop up and outta there.
(They didn't get it all. Sometimes he still hears echos of Belos' voice ridiculing him in his dreams as he beats Leo to a pulp in the giant mechanical suit in the space wreckage. Who needs sleep right?)
He looks around a little at the setting their brains honed in on and that's fitting. The ultimate place of trust, where Raph finally was able to put it on the line and let them save him.]
Sooooo..... [Turns out he's bad at starting these conversations. The waterfall behind him's surface reflecting a bit of his own feelings - nervous, bouncy energy, contained in a small glass box starting to crack under the pressure.]
[ He's gonna keep a little mental note about the open offer thing. A good note. Because it's good in a way that is definitely clearly a hundred percent very different from the Robin's Egg team boon.
(Mind meld is almost exactly the same thing.) ]
So.
[ Raph drums his fingers on his leg for a few seconds. Once in a while he really wishes he was better at detailed approaches. Because in moments like these, the drawbacks of "well I know what I need to get to, so I'll go in that direction and deal with whatever crosses my path on the way" really shine. Leaves Mind Raph putting on blast for him that he should've had a first point to touch picked out.
He'll make do. He's the one who asked for this talk, so the ball's his to pick up. ]
I... [ Frustration, mostly self-directed. Raph is not his own go-to guy if he needs words done well. ]
You didn't really want it when dad put you in charge, did you.
[ We did it fam. Raph got there, and it only took from the series finale until roughly one IC day ago. ]
[Leave it to Raph to not beat around the bush. A sense of relief washes through on his side, he doesn't have to outright say it. Leo's shoulders slump in that way one does when a heavy weight's been lifted off one's back.]
No. No, I uh. Really didn't. I still don't know why he did that- [Confusion, irritation. But mostly confusion, and feeling overwhelmed. Leo hadn't ever wanted to be in charge of anything, it was too much.] I mean, you had it just fine before all that, and especially after this [He gestures to the Falls around them, that moment sort of crystalized in his memory. The moment Raph let them help him.] happened, so I dunno what dad was thinking.
[ Okay. One thing down. Official answer, a lot of things moved from the unsolved Leo files into the settled ones.
Raph doesn't feel any relief to know it. He's glad that it brings Leo relief to have the band-aid ripped off. Sincerely.
It may be a little muddled in alongside a veritable cocktail. Hurt, some fresh, some older. A worn-in what did I do wrong that comes standard in a son-of-Splinter, overall Hamato clan emotional starter kit. Confusion of his own, another spike of frustration that he tries to wrangle down.
(Some thread of dry amusement. Because of course Leo wouldn't see why, somehow. Of course for all the million things he notices about everything else, he'd miss something that clear about himself.) ]
[He feels that, looking up at Raph like he's putting together a little puzzle. Or a big one, Raph is a big guy so naturally big puzzle.
He lets that cool mist from the falls keep him a little calmer. Why did Dad do this to them? Because it does feel like something he chose to do to them, and not an agreement they all came to together. Maybe if it'd been worked up to, maybe if it had been discussed, it could've been easier. Maybe Leo would've even felt prepared.]
How was I supposed to? [There's no heat to the question, just a genuine question.] Dad had expectations of me, and you were dealing with the change...
[ Expectations. Expectations he didn't stay tuned in to try to help with. Fallout he wasn't there for, stuff to deal with and adjust to that he didn't give anyone a guideline about.
It still stings. If Raph's honest. Their dad making that call and stepping back like it wasn't a big deal, like it couldn't be life or death if something serious happened (said a highly intense and historically overprotective king).
Not mad, not bitter, not even really surprised. Just stung and disappointed.
... well.
Maybe a little mad specifically right now. ]
Leo, you're like a hundred times more important than either of those!
[ No, come on, reel it in some, Raph. Get a grip. Yelling is not communicating. He can do it. He can kinda sorta do it.
He can't do it. He wants to punch the sun as if it'll prove his point. The entire planet should know he's offended on Leo's behalf and not a hundred percent sure who the right offense target is. ]
[Yelling isn't communicating. Even as Leo's own ninpo seems to draw back from the outburst before the words sink in, what Raph is trying to say.
Disbelief. A little mild confusion that Raph is offended on his behalf? Shouldn't he be offended for himself? He instinctively wants to ask: Am I more important than those expectations? His own self-doubt creeping in. He knows, logically, emotionally, that they all care about each other and want each other to be happy and safe. But there's still sometimes that feeling. Those times way early on his suggestions or plans were glossed over, his sharing he few things he purely enjoys with them to be made a joke (he REALLY wanted them to be as psyched as he was about MTH.
Not the point. It isn't the point of this conversation. Leo shakes his head a little to jostle those thoughts before he goes too deep into that. Focus. Regroup.]
[ What if we mind melded to talk about our issues and had to try to stop ourselves from going on little feelings spirals, and we were both mutant turtles.
Feeling Leo's side of the equation is enough to push Raph from trying to get a handle to actually getting a handle. He shakes his hands out to try to dismiss the tension, looks down at them.
It mostly feels like guilt. A stone-heavy sense of responsibility for what Leo's feeling, second nature. Some confusion for the confusion-- he thought he was pretty clear?
Raph doesn't have an answer on tap for the question right away. He hesitates. Flounders a little, trying to figure out what to say and where to start. ]
Tell me? Text me. Stick a note to my shell.
[ Is it even about "should've done" or "did wrong"??? Because it feels like that's a side step away from the point. How is he supposed to know? (He's the one who's here. He guesses whether he knows or not doesn't matter. He needs to know anyway.) ]
Why was I gonna push back if I thought you really wanted to give it a shot?
Because it's your spot? It was always your spot, I never even wanted it.
[He says it easily enough now that the hump of starting the conversation is over.]
But then you never tried to fight me about it or try to take it back, so I figured maybe you didn't want it all those years either, and I didn't wanna shove it back on you-
[It was a dumb, sixteen year old idea. The thought that maybe he could annoy Raph into taking it back. But even as those two months went on, Leo regretted it. But it was one of those situations where once he took the first step, he couldn't go back. Not without a lot of awkwardness he wanted to avoid.]
...After I'd done all that, if I'd come to you and really told you I didn't want it and asked you to take it back, would you have?
[ The problem with doing this talk connected like this, Raph thinks, is that there's no amount of bluffing or subject-changing or convenient omission that can hide the fact that Leo's right. He never wanted it either. He just wanted to look out for his brothers.
He doesn't know if he's hurt that Leo tried to manipulate his way out of it or relieved that's what it was all along. Not just-- looking at something Raph worked hard at, took seriously, something important, and deciding it wasn't worth all that.
Relieved, maybe. He's leaning that way. ]
Yeah. I would've. [ At least that answer's easy. He's the big brother. He did it before, he could do it again. After unlocking their ninpo, after Shredder, it would've been less terrifying. Less lonely. But... ]
I mean, maybe I would've put out some feelers about, uh. Playin' training wheels for you. Or working out a system where you could take point on some missions. I dunno. 'cause you're good, y'know? You're a natural. And I trust you. [ And there, reflected in the water, a little wave of light passing through it, is blue.
Leo was the first one he learned to trust like that. ]
Pops didn't think that idea up just for kicks, buddy.
[ Leo sees more angles. Usually has a good read on people. Has a good head for detailed planning. Knows how to motivate, cares about everyone being safe. He's really good. Would it have been fair to hold him back from growing into it? ]
[He has to fight the kneejerk response, that immediate instinctual reaction to argue, to fight. The hurt that even now, no one asked what he wanted and assumed Leo would want to lead. Whether he has the skills and know-how or not, he didn't want it. He especially didn't want it thrust on him suddenly with no warning.
But Raph does trust him. Raph trusted him when Leo asked him to, and it means the world to him. Knowing his big brother will trust him when the chips are down.]
I- [Uggghhhh talking. They are talking and working this out, not arguing.] I know. I know, you and dad think I'd be good at it.
...But after everything that happened, I dunno if I'm the best choice there.
[ A little confusion-- Raph's not sure how "put out feelers" wouldn't include asking Leo how it sounded. He'll follow with a much more deliberately sent apologetic feeling. He kind of has no idea what he's doing. In general, usually, but especially just... this whole situation right now. (He makes a little note to self to include an actual apology when it wouldn't feel like a weird interjection. Leo clearly deserves one.)
Raph's starting to wonder, between this and the Witch Town memory he saw a while back, if it turns out he actually did inherit their dad's way of assuming everyone else was on the same thoughts and feelings level about stuff and barreling forward with it.
All the nagging and lecturing and pushing he did not wanting Leo to have to learn the tough parts the hard way, to feel like he used to feel, and he never stopped to ask if Leo felt the way he used to feel already. Right from jump.
Raph shrugs one shoulder. ]
I still think you're a great choice. If you ever do want it. I'm proud of you either way.
[ That Is A Threat. He'll be very proud.
If, uh. Also quietly absolutely terrified of Leo making a choice to sacrifice himself like that again. ]
[It's heartening to hear. Enough there's gratitude coming from his side of things. It feels good to hear, even if he doesn't want to be leader. Not the way things played out.
Leo takes a breath and tilts his head back, watching the water behind and above him flow down to hit the rocks they're sitting on.]
I still think you're the best choice of that though. Always were, even if we made it tough.
[And then there's some apology there. Unspoken, but felt. They're brothers in his mind first and foremost, even when things got dangerous and they needed to be more serious. Leo never wanted them to get too lost in being heroes and forget they're brothers first.
But then there's nervous energy. A flash in the reflective water behind him of Krang Prime towering over him before he blinks it back, eyes closed tight for a second.]
I think you should take it back over. If you guys get out of here.
[ Easy affection. A candle in the dark. A solid, real hand to grab instead of hitting the bottom, I want you to know I finally understand.
Brothers first.
Not sure what the emotional equivalent of almost reflexively punching some water is. Probably a very brief jolt of equal parts anger, fear, and protectiveness. His apologies, Leo, let him balance that out with, dare he say, more confusion. ]
And we're all gonna get outta here.
[ Raph believes that.
He believes it whether he really believes it or not.
There are a lot of things a turtle can substitute with grit and frankly unhinged depths of stubbornness. Hope is one of those things, right.
(... it's weird to hear Leo say "if." "You guys," like he's separate. Don't care for that one bit.) ]
[There's a bone deep exhaustion to Leo's face as he looks up at Raph. A reality he's been turning over in his mind since he got here months ago, one he's come to accept now with the promise Hunter made him. Raph doesn't know. Or maybe doesn't want to know and has politely looked the other way at every opportunity.]
...Yeah, you're right. You guys are definitely gonna get back home.
[Not 'out of here' this time; Leo has determined he'll get out of Temple Horizon. Just maybe not 'home'.]
I tried to make it easy when I could. [Keeping the guys focused when they all got unruly. Making sure they had the bigger picture in mind, bringing up things he thought were obvious when he realized they weren't. All little things just to help Raph lead.]
....Did... Don talk to you? About. [He should talk about it. It's the whole point of why they're doing this. But why is it so hard?] About what happened.
[ Okay yeah. Did not imagine that "you guys" situation. That's a purposeful line being drawn. There's something he doesn't know that he should know. Or that he knows and maybe doesn't know he knows the way that he was supposed to know he knows it?
Anxiety is already starting to creep in. Like most of Raph's feelings, it only really comes in sledgehammer strength. A do something fix it bleeding into self-directed irritation, that he's never learned to cut back as much as he's learned it usually works out better if he can keep himself on a leash until it eases up.
They're here together. Whatever it is, they'll figure it out. ]
Depends on what 'what' you mean. I hate to say it, but we got a 'what happened' list about as long as both my arms put together. [ That's probably not super helpful.
There's still a list if he narrows it down to generally what they're here for. But it's a less huge list. ] He, uh. He showed me some of what happened after the escape pods?
[ He doesn't regret what he did, there, but he does feel guilty. Especially seeing the fallout he wasn't there for.
Leo angry. Really actually angry. Pushing through, no stopping to think first, not listening. Raph remembers as much as he remembers other parts of what Leo said to get through to him. Like half a dream, a little warped, you didn't yell because you were mad, you yelled because you were scared. ]
I feel like maybe that's not exactly what you mean.
[He figured Don and Raph talked over at Egg, more than either would ever really tell him. But knowing that Raph saw how Leo was immediately after... There's a little bit of shame there. He's never just lost his temper before, hates even remembering he has one. But that Raph saw... He isn't sure what to think about it.
But there is a long "what happened" list if he's being honest. He rubs at the back of his neck with trembling hands.]
Y-yeah. There was.. It was a lot that day.
["That day", because it's been months now in this place.] Sorry you had to see it.
[Just do it. Rip off the band-aid, fast and quick. Sometimes it's good to ease Raph into things, but sometimes you do just have to do it quick.]
I was talking about after the portal cut off. I-
[Just fucking say it. Stop hesitating. He's gone out of his way to talk around it, allude, hint, but never just outright say it. Raph deserves that much from him after what he did.] I died in there, Raph. Right before this place.
[ For as hard a time as he sometimes has wrapping his head around how Leo thinks, for as poorly as it went, he could see it for what it was.
He's done the same thing before, after all.
(Some part of himself he tends not to look at, childlike and hidden away in the back of his mind, holds onto the fact that Leo was trying to find him the whole time like it's a life raft.)
There are many things Raph's ready to expect to follow at the tail end there.
"I died in there" is not one of them. That fully does not compute. Confusion, in a strange drawn-back sort of form. Like the water at a shore might start to pull away when a giant wave is coming. ]
But we saved you. I was there for that part.
[ It wasn't even like a thing he heard after the fact?? Sir? ]
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Re: Day ~90 probably
He's kinda glad it's just the two of them. Donnie can get awful lecture-y about this stuff and it would feel weird to drag Hunter in on it. As much as he loves them, this is both overdue and very... one-on-one personal. ]
Yep. Lemme know if you need a breather. Don't wanna make you feel brainphobic.
[ Since Leo actually is... very familiar with how messed up it feels to have something evil dig into your head and rifle through your memories. At this point. He's realizing.
Universe give his little brother a break challenge. But that's-- he can put that in a box for later. Probably wouldn't be super helpful to rail against, checks notes, the entire universe at this exact moment. He can do that whenever.
Raph will do what he said he was here to do instead, and try to channel that energy into a ninpo reach-out. ]
Re: Day ~90 probably
And, hey. Promise me. Whatever we feel in there, we don't hold it against the other. Promise?
[Normally, this would be an easy plea. Leo begging Raph not to hold whatever ill will Leo holds against his big brother back against him. But from the way he says it, the tone of his voice? It sounds more like Leo is promising Raph he won't hold anything against him. An offering instead of a request; something Leo wouldn't have done months ago, even weeks ago in his side of time. Focusing his thoughts outward and instead of inward. Leo once again asking Raphael to trust him.]
Re: Day ~90 probably
Put that up to worry being one of his first instincts. ]
I promise.
[ But it's an easy promise to make. A kind of trust Leo's earned a hundred times over. (An assurance that, if Raph is honest, kinda helps to have out there going both ways beforehand.) ]
Re: Day ~90 probably
[Leo says it like it's light. It's easy. Just promise like that. But his smile is warm and genuine in probably a way Raph remembers there after the Krang were gone, even if this Leo hasn't experienced that freedom yet.
So he lets his brother's protective ninpo make contact, his own an electric ball of energy bouncing in anticipation. And maybe a little anxiety.]
Re: Day ~90 probably
Which has nothing on the relief that he brings to the table once they connect. (And some anxiety of his own.)
He tries to put love out, first and foremost. Love, pride. A clumsy mental image of trying to surround without smothering. ]
Re: Day ~90 probably
He closes his eyes as he sits up straight, focusing on Raph and his ninpo. That big warm hulking energy of protection and love and relief and worry, letting it shape the space around them so it's more than just a void.
The sound of rushing water fills his ears, a chilled mist breezing past as they sit on the rocks below a waterfall. Familiar. Somewhere triumphant for them as brothers, as family. The skies are blue mostly turning oranges and pinks, the farthest east horizon shifting to a warm dark purple as the light fades.
But it is still their own minds, and there are still bits of themselves flickering through. A bit of music in the distance that wouldn't come from anywhere if they were really in the woods by Todd's puppy...rescue. Is it Hozier? Probably.]
Raph? You here with me?
Re: Day ~90 probably
He sends a little pulse Leo's way as a placeholder. A zip of feeling, like rumbling laughter, joy in the familiarity.
(Call him biased. He probably is. Raph has a lot of important, cherished memories. What they did here is one of the most important of them all.)
He gets his metaphorical sea legs without any actual problems, though. Posts up on his own rock all in one piece, legs crossed. ]
There. Yeah. Much better.
Thanks for bein' up for this.
[ Best case scenario, they can come out of this breathing a little easier. God knows they gotta take that kind of relief where they can get it in this place. ]
Re: Day ~90 probably
[It's relaxing though. Stretching his metaphorical legs a bit as they sit. Truth be told, he hasn't done a proper mind melding since the Belos incident. Or the weird dreams of others walking around his heart after the forest fire. But this? The willing allowance of his brothers into his head even a little had been a distant thought after Belos. Internal cleaning crews getting the last of that goop up and outta there.
(They didn't get it all. Sometimes he still hears echos of Belos' voice ridiculing him in his dreams as he beats Leo to a pulp in the giant mechanical suit in the space wreckage. Who needs sleep right?)
He looks around a little at the setting their brains honed in on and that's fitting. The ultimate place of trust, where Raph finally was able to put it on the line and let them save him.]
Sooooo..... [Turns out he's bad at starting these conversations. The waterfall behind him's surface reflecting a bit of his own feelings - nervous, bouncy energy, contained in a small glass box starting to crack under the pressure.]
Re: Day ~90 probably
(Mind meld is almost exactly the same thing.) ]
So.
[ Raph drums his fingers on his leg for a few seconds. Once in a while he really wishes he was better at detailed approaches. Because in moments like these, the drawbacks of "well I know what I need to get to, so I'll go in that direction and deal with whatever crosses my path on the way" really shine. Leaves Mind Raph putting on blast for him that he should've had a first point to touch picked out.
He'll make do. He's the one who asked for this talk, so the ball's his to pick up. ]
I... [ Frustration, mostly self-directed. Raph is not his own go-to guy if he needs words done well. ]
You didn't really want it when dad put you in charge, did you.
[ We did it fam. Raph got there, and it only took from the series finale until roughly one IC day ago. ]
Re: Day ~90 probably
No. No, I uh. Really didn't. I still don't know why he did that- [Confusion, irritation. But mostly confusion, and feeling overwhelmed. Leo hadn't ever wanted to be in charge of anything, it was too much.] I mean, you had it just fine before all that, and especially after this [He gestures to the Falls around them, that moment sort of crystalized in his memory. The moment Raph let them help him.] happened, so I dunno what dad was thinking.
Re: Day ~90 probably
Raph doesn't feel any relief to know it. He's glad that it brings Leo relief to have the band-aid ripped off. Sincerely.
It may be a little muddled in alongside a veritable cocktail. Hurt, some fresh, some older. A worn-in what did I do wrong that comes standard in a son-of-Splinter, overall Hamato clan emotional starter kit. Confusion of his own, another spike of frustration that he tries to wrangle down.
(Some thread of dry amusement. Because of course Leo wouldn't see why, somehow. Of course for all the million things he notices about everything else, he'd miss something that clear about himself.) ]
Why didn't you just tell me?
Re: Day ~90 probably
He lets that cool mist from the falls keep him a little calmer. Why did Dad do this to them? Because it does feel like something he chose to do to them, and not an agreement they all came to together. Maybe if it'd been worked up to, maybe if it had been discussed, it could've been easier. Maybe Leo would've even felt prepared.]
How was I supposed to? [There's no heat to the question, just a genuine question.] Dad had expectations of me, and you were dealing with the change...
Re: Day ~90 probably
It still stings. If Raph's honest. Their dad making that call and stepping back like it wasn't a big deal, like it couldn't be life or death if something serious happened (said a highly intense and historically overprotective king).
Not mad, not bitter, not even really surprised. Just stung and disappointed.
... well.
Maybe a little mad specifically right now. ]
Leo, you're like a hundred times more important than either of those!
[ No, come on, reel it in some, Raph. Get a grip. Yelling is not communicating. He can do it. He can kinda sorta do it.
He can't do it. He wants to punch the sun as if it'll prove his point. The entire planet should know he's offended on Leo's behalf and not a hundred percent sure who the right offense target is. ]
Re: Day ~90 probably
Disbelief. A little mild confusion that Raph is offended on his behalf? Shouldn't he be offended for himself? He instinctively wants to ask: Am I more important than those expectations? His own self-doubt creeping in. He knows, logically, emotionally, that they all care about each other and want each other to be happy and safe. But there's still sometimes that feeling. Those times way early on his suggestions or plans were glossed over, his sharing he few things he purely enjoys with them to be made a joke (he REALLY wanted them to be as psyched as he was about MTH.
Not the point. It isn't the point of this conversation. Leo shakes his head a little to jostle those thoughts before he goes too deep into that. Focus. Regroup.]
What should I have done then?
Re: Day ~90 probably
Feeling Leo's side of the equation is enough to push Raph from trying to get a handle to actually getting a handle. He shakes his hands out to try to dismiss the tension, looks down at them.
It mostly feels like guilt. A stone-heavy sense of responsibility for what Leo's feeling, second nature. Some confusion for the confusion-- he thought he was pretty clear?
Raph doesn't have an answer on tap for the question right away. He hesitates. Flounders a little, trying to figure out what to say and where to start. ]
Tell me? Text me. Stick a note to my shell.
[ Is it even about "should've done" or "did wrong"??? Because it feels like that's a side step away from the point. How is he supposed to know? (He's the one who's here. He guesses whether he knows or not doesn't matter. He needs to know anyway.) ]
Why was I gonna push back if I thought you really wanted to give it a shot?
Re: Day ~90 probably
[He says it easily enough now that the hump of starting the conversation is over.]
But then you never tried to fight me about it or try to take it back, so I figured maybe you didn't want it all those years either, and I didn't wanna shove it back on you-
[It was a dumb, sixteen year old idea. The thought that maybe he could annoy Raph into taking it back. But even as those two months went on, Leo regretted it. But it was one of those situations where once he took the first step, he couldn't go back. Not without a lot of awkwardness he wanted to avoid.]
...After I'd done all that, if I'd come to you and really told you I didn't want it and asked you to take it back, would you have?
Re: Day ~90 probably
He doesn't know if he's hurt that Leo tried to manipulate his way out of it or relieved that's what it was all along. Not just-- looking at something Raph worked hard at, took seriously, something important, and deciding it wasn't worth all that.
Relieved, maybe. He's leaning that way. ]
Yeah. I would've. [ At least that answer's easy. He's the big brother. He did it before, he could do it again. After unlocking their ninpo, after Shredder, it would've been less terrifying. Less lonely. But... ]
I mean, maybe I would've put out some feelers about, uh. Playin' training wheels for you. Or working out a system where you could take point on some missions. I dunno. 'cause you're good, y'know? You're a natural. And I trust you. [ And there, reflected in the water, a little wave of light passing through it, is blue.
Leo was the first one he learned to trust like that. ]
Pops didn't think that idea up just for kicks, buddy.
[ Leo sees more angles. Usually has a good read on people. Has a good head for detailed planning. Knows how to motivate, cares about everyone being safe. He's really good. Would it have been fair to hold him back from growing into it? ]
Re: Day ~90 probably
But Raph does trust him. Raph trusted him when Leo asked him to, and it means the world to him. Knowing his big brother will trust him when the chips are down.]
I- [Uggghhhh talking. They are talking and working this out, not arguing.] I know. I know, you and dad think I'd be good at it.
...But after everything that happened, I dunno if I'm the best choice there.
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Raph's starting to wonder, between this and the Witch Town memory he saw a while back, if it turns out he actually did inherit their dad's way of assuming everyone else was on the same thoughts and feelings level about stuff and barreling forward with it.
All the nagging and lecturing and pushing he did not wanting Leo to have to learn the tough parts the hard way, to feel like he used to feel, and he never stopped to ask if Leo felt the way he used to feel already. Right from jump.
Raph shrugs one shoulder. ]
I still think you're a great choice. If you ever do want it. I'm proud of you either way.
[ That Is A Threat. He'll be very proud.
If, uh. Also quietly absolutely terrified of Leo making a choice to sacrifice himself like that again. ]
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Leo takes a breath and tilts his head back, watching the water behind and above him flow down to hit the rocks they're sitting on.]
I still think you're the best choice of that though. Always were, even if we made it tough.
[And then there's some apology there. Unspoken, but felt. They're brothers in his mind first and foremost, even when things got dangerous and they needed to be more serious. Leo never wanted them to get too lost in being heroes and forget they're brothers first.
But then there's nervous energy. A flash in the reflective water behind him of Krang Prime towering over him before he blinks it back, eyes closed tight for a second.]
I think you should take it back over. If you guys get out of here.
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[ Easy affection. A candle in the dark. A solid, real hand to grab instead of hitting the bottom, I want you to know I finally understand.
Brothers first.
Not sure what the emotional equivalent of almost reflexively punching some water is. Probably a very brief jolt of equal parts anger, fear, and protectiveness. His apologies, Leo, let him balance that out with, dare he say, more confusion. ]
And we're all gonna get outta here.
[ Raph believes that.
He believes it whether he really believes it or not.
There are a lot of things a turtle can substitute with grit and frankly unhinged depths of stubbornness. Hope is one of those things, right.
(... it's weird to hear Leo say "if." "You guys," like he's separate. Don't care for that one bit.) ]
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...Yeah, you're right. You guys are definitely gonna get back home.
[Not 'out of here' this time; Leo has determined he'll get out of Temple Horizon. Just maybe not 'home'.]
I tried to make it easy when I could. [Keeping the guys focused when they all got unruly. Making sure they had the bigger picture in mind, bringing up things he thought were obvious when he realized they weren't. All little things just to help Raph lead.]
....Did... Don talk to you? About. [He should talk about it. It's the whole point of why they're doing this. But why is it so hard?] About what happened.
Re: Day ~90 probably
Anxiety is already starting to creep in. Like most of Raph's feelings, it only really comes in sledgehammer strength. A do something fix it bleeding into self-directed irritation, that he's never learned to cut back as much as he's learned it usually works out better if he can keep himself on a leash until it eases up.
They're here together. Whatever it is, they'll figure it out. ]
Depends on what 'what' you mean. I hate to say it, but we got a 'what happened' list about as long as both my arms put together. [ That's probably not super helpful.
There's still a list if he narrows it down to generally what they're here for. But it's a less huge list. ] He, uh. He showed me some of what happened after the escape pods?
[ He doesn't regret what he did, there, but he does feel guilty. Especially seeing the fallout he wasn't there for.
Leo angry. Really actually angry. Pushing through, no stopping to think first, not listening. Raph remembers as much as he remembers other parts of what Leo said to get through to him. Like half a dream, a little warped, you didn't yell because you were mad, you yelled because you were scared. ]
I feel like maybe that's not exactly what you mean.
Re: Day ~90 probably
But there is a long "what happened" list if he's being honest. He rubs at the back of his neck with trembling hands.]
Y-yeah. There was.. It was a lot that day.
["That day", because it's been months now in this place.] Sorry you had to see it.
[Just do it. Rip off the band-aid, fast and quick. Sometimes it's good to ease Raph into things, but sometimes you do just have to do it quick.]
I was talking about after the portal cut off. I-
[Just fucking say it. Stop hesitating. He's gone out of his way to talk around it, allude, hint, but never just outright say it. Raph deserves that much from him after what he did.] I died in there, Raph. Right before this place.
Re: Day ~90 probably
[ For as hard a time as he sometimes has wrapping his head around how Leo thinks, for as poorly as it went, he could see it for what it was.
He's done the same thing before, after all.
(Some part of himself he tends not to look at, childlike and hidden away in the back of his mind, holds onto the fact that Leo was trying to find him the whole time like it's a life raft.)
There are many things Raph's ready to expect to follow at the tail end there.
"I died in there" is not one of them. That fully does not compute. Confusion, in a strange drawn-back sort of form. Like the water at a shore might start to pull away when a giant wave is coming. ]
But we saved you. I was there for that part.
[ It wasn't even like a thing he heard after the fact?? Sir? ]
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