[ Cue Mind Raph's 8-bit victory jingle of, checks notes, securing a likely tough and emotionally draining conversation with his brother that also has "share dad's sad backstory details" penciled in somewhere.
He doesn't--
He feels like the longer Leo doesn't hear about the brain probe thing in general, the better. Personally. He would like to leave that on the shelf if he can. ]
R.A.P.H: i'm good. i'll be over soon. R.A.P.H: assuming there's not stuff on fire or a big emergency that pops up or you want more time or anything. maybe judge where you're at from 1-10 on a mind meld scale? R.A.P.H: if it turns out there's sinkholes everywhere right now i'll send an update from the bottom of one.
primetime 👑: lit primetime 👑: yeah whenevers good then primetime 👑: sittin at a solid 10 for mind meld
[He thinks he's at a 10 anyway. Nothing horrible happened in the last game he was part of making the uniforms, just some unpleasant reminders. But nothing he can't live with.
When Raph does get around to Snail, as soon as he approaches the door, the ever familiar crackle of electricity sounds out and a portal is right there waiting for him to Leo's room.]
[ Raph does not update with a text from the void. Success.
He just pops in through the portal like a normal dude. Everyone is so having a normal one right now. This is definitely the kind of thing they do a lot and are good at. ]
[If nothing else? Raph doesn't have to worry about any tension; Leo's sat comfortably on the edge of his bed relaxed and one hundred percent chill. The most chill. The chillest turtle that has ever chilled.]
Yo.
[Which is truly the most elegant way any chill turtle would address his brother, whom he hasn't had a serious catch up talk with since he arrived weeks nad weeks ago and now it's awkward to bring it up now and maybe the tenuous unspoken calm they had between them is doomed but this super amazingly bombastically chill turtle is chill and not internally freaking out.
[He ducks his head with the rubbing, a chuckle just popping out of him. Leo sounds like he didn't even expect the laugh. But okay.]
...Yeah, I get that. Mine's not really the best with this kinda stuff either, I get it.
[Another game loss, another forced-to-be-honest-for-the-objective time. No deflection or jokes about it, all honest turtle. He knows if he looks in a mirror too close, he'll see his stripes starting to fade again with his soul.]
[ A little solidarity as a treat. Together they have all the communication strength of the Hamato clan.
He's kinda glad it's just the two of them. Donnie can get awful lecture-y about this stuff and it would feel weird to drag Hunter in on it. As much as he loves them, this is both overdue and very... one-on-one personal. ]
Yep. Lemme know if you need a breather. Don't wanna make you feel brainphobic.
[ Since Leo actually is... very familiar with how messed up it feels to have something evil dig into your head and rifle through your memories. At this point. He's realizing.
Universe give his little brother a break challenge. But that's-- he can put that in a box for later. Probably wouldn't be super helpful to rail against, checks notes, the entire universe at this exact moment. He can do that whenever.
Raph will do what he said he was here to do instead, and try to channel that energy into a ninpo reach-out. ]
[Leo almost lets that energy reach him, almost touches- But holds off for just a second. Leo looks Raph in the eyes.]
And, hey. Promise me. Whatever we feel in there, we don't hold it against the other. Promise?
[Normally, this would be an easy plea. Leo begging Raph not to hold whatever ill will Leo holds against his big brother back against him. But from the way he says it, the tone of his voice? It sounds more like Leo is promising Raph he won't hold anything against him. An offering instead of a request; something Leo wouldn't have done months ago, even weeks ago in his side of time. Focusing his thoughts outward and instead of inward. Leo once again asking Raphael to trust him.]
[ Not sure if he should be worried about this promise. Conceptually.
Put that up to worry being one of his first instincts. ]
I promise.
[ But it's an easy promise to make. A kind of trust Leo's earned a hundred times over. (An assurance that, if Raph is honest, kinda helps to have out there going both ways beforehand.) ]
[Leo says it like it's light. It's easy. Just promise like that. But his smile is warm and genuine in probably a way Raph remembers there after the Krang were gone, even if this Leo hasn't experienced that freedom yet.
So he lets his brother's protective ninpo make contact, his own an electric ball of energy bouncing in anticipation. And maybe a little anxiety.]
[ Man. You don't realize how much you can miss an expression on someone else's face until you see it for the first time in forever. Raph has a moment about it. A little ping of there he is. His brothers should always have the breathing room to look like that.
Which has nothing on the relief that he brings to the table once they connect. (And some anxiety of his own.)
He tries to put love out, first and foremost. Love, pride. A clumsy mental image of trying to surround without smothering. ]
[That relief is something Leo gets to feel for a second or so before he welcomes it all, the whole ordeal having gotten a little easier the couple of times he's done with this with Don and diving into Hunter's heartscape.
He closes his eyes as he sits up straight, focusing on Raph and his ninpo. That big warm hulking energy of protection and love and relief and worry, letting it shape the space around them so it's more than just a void.
The sound of rushing water fills his ears, a chilled mist breezing past as they sit on the rocks below a waterfall. Familiar. Somewhere triumphant for them as brothers, as family. The skies are blue mostly turning oranges and pinks, the farthest east horizon shifting to a warm dark purple as the light fades.
But it is still their own minds, and there are still bits of themselves flickering through. A bit of music in the distance that wouldn't come from anywhere if they were really in the woods by Todd's puppy...rescue. Is it Hozier? Probably.]
[ It takes Raph a second. Not for lack of willingness as much as just being out of practice with this. He hasn't gone all-in on a mindmeld since. Well. The Belos thing. And that had a whole different vibe.
He sends a little pulse Leo's way as a placeholder. A zip of feeling, like rumbling laughter, joy in the familiarity.
(Call him biased. He probably is. Raph has a lot of important, cherished memories. What they did here is one of the most important of them all.)
He gets his metaphorical sea legs without any actual problems, though. Posts up on his own rock all in one piece, legs crossed. ]
There. Yeah. Much better.
Thanks for bein' up for this.
[ Best case scenario, they can come out of this breathing a little easier. God knows they gotta take that kind of relief where they can get it in this place. ]
'Course. Made the promise to Donnie that we'd do it whenever to keep tabs, open offer to you too, big bro.
[It's relaxing though. Stretching his metaphorical legs a bit as they sit. Truth be told, he hasn't done a proper mind melding since the Belos incident. Or the weird dreams of others walking around his heart after the forest fire. But this? The willing allowance of his brothers into his head even a little had been a distant thought after Belos. Internal cleaning crews getting the last of that goop up and outta there.
(They didn't get it all. Sometimes he still hears echos of Belos' voice ridiculing him in his dreams as he beats Leo to a pulp in the giant mechanical suit in the space wreckage. Who needs sleep right?)
He looks around a little at the setting their brains honed in on and that's fitting. The ultimate place of trust, where Raph finally was able to put it on the line and let them save him.]
Sooooo..... [Turns out he's bad at starting these conversations. The waterfall behind him's surface reflecting a bit of his own feelings - nervous, bouncy energy, contained in a small glass box starting to crack under the pressure.]
[ He's gonna keep a little mental note about the open offer thing. A good note. Because it's good in a way that is definitely clearly a hundred percent very different from the Robin's Egg team boon.
(Mind meld is almost exactly the same thing.) ]
So.
[ Raph drums his fingers on his leg for a few seconds. Once in a while he really wishes he was better at detailed approaches. Because in moments like these, the drawbacks of "well I know what I need to get to, so I'll go in that direction and deal with whatever crosses my path on the way" really shine. Leaves Mind Raph putting on blast for him that he should've had a first point to touch picked out.
He'll make do. He's the one who asked for this talk, so the ball's his to pick up. ]
I... [ Frustration, mostly self-directed. Raph is not his own go-to guy if he needs words done well. ]
You didn't really want it when dad put you in charge, did you.
[ We did it fam. Raph got there, and it only took from the series finale until roughly one IC day ago. ]
[Leave it to Raph to not beat around the bush. A sense of relief washes through on his side, he doesn't have to outright say it. Leo's shoulders slump in that way one does when a heavy weight's been lifted off one's back.]
No. No, I uh. Really didn't. I still don't know why he did that- [Confusion, irritation. But mostly confusion, and feeling overwhelmed. Leo hadn't ever wanted to be in charge of anything, it was too much.] I mean, you had it just fine before all that, and especially after this [He gestures to the Falls around them, that moment sort of crystalized in his memory. The moment Raph let them help him.] happened, so I dunno what dad was thinking.
[ Okay. One thing down. Official answer, a lot of things moved from the unsolved Leo files into the settled ones.
Raph doesn't feel any relief to know it. He's glad that it brings Leo relief to have the band-aid ripped off. Sincerely.
It may be a little muddled in alongside a veritable cocktail. Hurt, some fresh, some older. A worn-in what did I do wrong that comes standard in a son-of-Splinter, overall Hamato clan emotional starter kit. Confusion of his own, another spike of frustration that he tries to wrangle down.
(Some thread of dry amusement. Because of course Leo wouldn't see why, somehow. Of course for all the million things he notices about everything else, he'd miss something that clear about himself.) ]
[He feels that, looking up at Raph like he's putting together a little puzzle. Or a big one, Raph is a big guy so naturally big puzzle.
He lets that cool mist from the falls keep him a little calmer. Why did Dad do this to them? Because it does feel like something he chose to do to them, and not an agreement they all came to together. Maybe if it'd been worked up to, maybe if it had been discussed, it could've been easier. Maybe Leo would've even felt prepared.]
How was I supposed to? [There's no heat to the question, just a genuine question.] Dad had expectations of me, and you were dealing with the change...
[ Expectations. Expectations he didn't stay tuned in to try to help with. Fallout he wasn't there for, stuff to deal with and adjust to that he didn't give anyone a guideline about.
It still stings. If Raph's honest. Their dad making that call and stepping back like it wasn't a big deal, like it couldn't be life or death if something serious happened (said a highly intense and historically overprotective king).
Not mad, not bitter, not even really surprised. Just stung and disappointed.
... well.
Maybe a little mad specifically right now. ]
Leo, you're like a hundred times more important than either of those!
[ No, come on, reel it in some, Raph. Get a grip. Yelling is not communicating. He can do it. He can kinda sorta do it.
He can't do it. He wants to punch the sun as if it'll prove his point. The entire planet should know he's offended on Leo's behalf and not a hundred percent sure who the right offense target is. ]
[Yelling isn't communicating. Even as Leo's own ninpo seems to draw back from the outburst before the words sink in, what Raph is trying to say.
Disbelief. A little mild confusion that Raph is offended on his behalf? Shouldn't he be offended for himself? He instinctively wants to ask: Am I more important than those expectations? His own self-doubt creeping in. He knows, logically, emotionally, that they all care about each other and want each other to be happy and safe. But there's still sometimes that feeling. Those times way early on his suggestions or plans were glossed over, his sharing he few things he purely enjoys with them to be made a joke (he REALLY wanted them to be as psyched as he was about MTH.
Not the point. It isn't the point of this conversation. Leo shakes his head a little to jostle those thoughts before he goes too deep into that. Focus. Regroup.]
[ What if we mind melded to talk about our issues and had to try to stop ourselves from going on little feelings spirals, and we were both mutant turtles.
Feeling Leo's side of the equation is enough to push Raph from trying to get a handle to actually getting a handle. He shakes his hands out to try to dismiss the tension, looks down at them.
It mostly feels like guilt. A stone-heavy sense of responsibility for what Leo's feeling, second nature. Some confusion for the confusion-- he thought he was pretty clear?
Raph doesn't have an answer on tap for the question right away. He hesitates. Flounders a little, trying to figure out what to say and where to start. ]
Tell me? Text me. Stick a note to my shell.
[ Is it even about "should've done" or "did wrong"??? Because it feels like that's a side step away from the point. How is he supposed to know? (He's the one who's here. He guesses whether he knows or not doesn't matter. He needs to know anyway.) ]
Why was I gonna push back if I thought you really wanted to give it a shot?
Because it's your spot? It was always your spot, I never even wanted it.
[He says it easily enough now that the hump of starting the conversation is over.]
But then you never tried to fight me about it or try to take it back, so I figured maybe you didn't want it all those years either, and I didn't wanna shove it back on you-
[It was a dumb, sixteen year old idea. The thought that maybe he could annoy Raph into taking it back. But even as those two months went on, Leo regretted it. But it was one of those situations where once he took the first step, he couldn't go back. Not without a lot of awkwardness he wanted to avoid.]
...After I'd done all that, if I'd come to you and really told you I didn't want it and asked you to take it back, would you have?
[ The problem with doing this talk connected like this, Raph thinks, is that there's no amount of bluffing or subject-changing or convenient omission that can hide the fact that Leo's right. He never wanted it either. He just wanted to look out for his brothers.
He doesn't know if he's hurt that Leo tried to manipulate his way out of it or relieved that's what it was all along. Not just-- looking at something Raph worked hard at, took seriously, something important, and deciding it wasn't worth all that.
Relieved, maybe. He's leaning that way. ]
Yeah. I would've. [ At least that answer's easy. He's the big brother. He did it before, he could do it again. After unlocking their ninpo, after Shredder, it would've been less terrifying. Less lonely. But... ]
I mean, maybe I would've put out some feelers about, uh. Playin' training wheels for you. Or working out a system where you could take point on some missions. I dunno. 'cause you're good, y'know? You're a natural. And I trust you. [ And there, reflected in the water, a little wave of light passing through it, is blue.
Leo was the first one he learned to trust like that. ]
Pops didn't think that idea up just for kicks, buddy.
[ Leo sees more angles. Usually has a good read on people. Has a good head for detailed planning. Knows how to motivate, cares about everyone being safe. He's really good. Would it have been fair to hold him back from growing into it? ]
[He has to fight the kneejerk response, that immediate instinctual reaction to argue, to fight. The hurt that even now, no one asked what he wanted and assumed Leo would want to lead. Whether he has the skills and know-how or not, he didn't want it. He especially didn't want it thrust on him suddenly with no warning.
But Raph does trust him. Raph trusted him when Leo asked him to, and it means the world to him. Knowing his big brother will trust him when the chips are down.]
I- [Uggghhhh talking. They are talking and working this out, not arguing.] I know. I know, you and dad think I'd be good at it.
...But after everything that happened, I dunno if I'm the best choice there.
[ A little confusion-- Raph's not sure how "put out feelers" wouldn't include asking Leo how it sounded. He'll follow with a much more deliberately sent apologetic feeling. He kind of has no idea what he's doing. In general, usually, but especially just... this whole situation right now. (He makes a little note to self to include an actual apology when it wouldn't feel like a weird interjection. Leo clearly deserves one.)
Raph's starting to wonder, between this and the Witch Town memory he saw a while back, if it turns out he actually did inherit their dad's way of assuming everyone else was on the same thoughts and feelings level about stuff and barreling forward with it.
All the nagging and lecturing and pushing he did not wanting Leo to have to learn the tough parts the hard way, to feel like he used to feel, and he never stopped to ask if Leo felt the way he used to feel already. Right from jump.
Raph shrugs one shoulder. ]
I still think you're a great choice. If you ever do want it. I'm proud of you either way.
[ That Is A Threat. He'll be very proud.
If, uh. Also quietly absolutely terrified of Leo making a choice to sacrifice himself like that again. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Re: Day ~90 probably
He doesn't--
He feels like the longer Leo doesn't hear about the brain probe thing in general, the better. Personally. He would like to leave that on the shelf if he can. ]
R.A.P.H: i'm good. i'll be over soon.
R.A.P.H: assuming there's not stuff on fire or a big emergency that pops up or you want more time or anything. maybe judge where you're at from 1-10 on a mind meld scale?
R.A.P.H: if it turns out there's sinkholes everywhere right now i'll send an update from the bottom of one.
Re: Day ~90 probably
primetime 👑: yeah whenevers good then
primetime 👑: sittin at a solid 10 for mind meld
[He thinks he's at a 10 anyway. Nothing horrible happened in the last game he was part of making the uniforms, just some unpleasant reminders. But nothing he can't live with.
When Raph does get around to Snail, as soon as he approaches the door, the ever familiar crackle of electricity sounds out and a portal is right there waiting for him to Leo's room.]
Re: Day ~90 probably
[ Raph does not update with a text from the void. Success.
He just pops in through the portal like a normal dude. Everyone is so having a normal one right now. This is definitely the kind of thing they do a lot and are good at. ]
Hey, bud.
Re: Day ~90 probably
Yo.
[Which is truly the most elegant way any chill turtle would address his brother, whom he hasn't had a serious catch up talk with since he arrived weeks nad weeks ago and now it's awkward to bring it up now and maybe the tenuous unspoken calm they had between them is doomed but this super amazingly bombastically chill turtle is chill and not internally freaking out.
Not even a little.]
So, Mind-meld right?
Re: Day ~90 probably
Yeah. Y'know, words aren't always Raph's best...
...
... they're just not always his best.
[ He didn't plan to back up his own point immediately but okay. He didn't really plan anything past "part where Leo says yes."
He pulls up a floor seat and rubs the top of Leo's head, because he can. ]
Re: Day ~90 probably
...Yeah, I get that. Mine's not really the best with this kinda stuff either, I get it.
[Another game loss, another forced-to-be-honest-for-the-objective time. No deflection or jokes about it, all honest turtle. He knows if he looks in a mirror too close, he'll see his stripes starting to fade again with his soul.]
Whenever you're ready, big guy.
Re: Day ~90 probably
He's kinda glad it's just the two of them. Donnie can get awful lecture-y about this stuff and it would feel weird to drag Hunter in on it. As much as he loves them, this is both overdue and very... one-on-one personal. ]
Yep. Lemme know if you need a breather. Don't wanna make you feel brainphobic.
[ Since Leo actually is... very familiar with how messed up it feels to have something evil dig into your head and rifle through your memories. At this point. He's realizing.
Universe give his little brother a break challenge. But that's-- he can put that in a box for later. Probably wouldn't be super helpful to rail against, checks notes, the entire universe at this exact moment. He can do that whenever.
Raph will do what he said he was here to do instead, and try to channel that energy into a ninpo reach-out. ]
Re: Day ~90 probably
And, hey. Promise me. Whatever we feel in there, we don't hold it against the other. Promise?
[Normally, this would be an easy plea. Leo begging Raph not to hold whatever ill will Leo holds against his big brother back against him. But from the way he says it, the tone of his voice? It sounds more like Leo is promising Raph he won't hold anything against him. An offering instead of a request; something Leo wouldn't have done months ago, even weeks ago in his side of time. Focusing his thoughts outward and instead of inward. Leo once again asking Raphael to trust him.]
Re: Day ~90 probably
Put that up to worry being one of his first instincts. ]
I promise.
[ But it's an easy promise to make. A kind of trust Leo's earned a hundred times over. (An assurance that, if Raph is honest, kinda helps to have out there going both ways beforehand.) ]
Re: Day ~90 probably
[Leo says it like it's light. It's easy. Just promise like that. But his smile is warm and genuine in probably a way Raph remembers there after the Krang were gone, even if this Leo hasn't experienced that freedom yet.
So he lets his brother's protective ninpo make contact, his own an electric ball of energy bouncing in anticipation. And maybe a little anxiety.]
Re: Day ~90 probably
Which has nothing on the relief that he brings to the table once they connect. (And some anxiety of his own.)
He tries to put love out, first and foremost. Love, pride. A clumsy mental image of trying to surround without smothering. ]
Re: Day ~90 probably
He closes his eyes as he sits up straight, focusing on Raph and his ninpo. That big warm hulking energy of protection and love and relief and worry, letting it shape the space around them so it's more than just a void.
The sound of rushing water fills his ears, a chilled mist breezing past as they sit on the rocks below a waterfall. Familiar. Somewhere triumphant for them as brothers, as family. The skies are blue mostly turning oranges and pinks, the farthest east horizon shifting to a warm dark purple as the light fades.
But it is still their own minds, and there are still bits of themselves flickering through. A bit of music in the distance that wouldn't come from anywhere if they were really in the woods by Todd's puppy...rescue. Is it Hozier? Probably.]
Raph? You here with me?
Re: Day ~90 probably
He sends a little pulse Leo's way as a placeholder. A zip of feeling, like rumbling laughter, joy in the familiarity.
(Call him biased. He probably is. Raph has a lot of important, cherished memories. What they did here is one of the most important of them all.)
He gets his metaphorical sea legs without any actual problems, though. Posts up on his own rock all in one piece, legs crossed. ]
There. Yeah. Much better.
Thanks for bein' up for this.
[ Best case scenario, they can come out of this breathing a little easier. God knows they gotta take that kind of relief where they can get it in this place. ]
Re: Day ~90 probably
[It's relaxing though. Stretching his metaphorical legs a bit as they sit. Truth be told, he hasn't done a proper mind melding since the Belos incident. Or the weird dreams of others walking around his heart after the forest fire. But this? The willing allowance of his brothers into his head even a little had been a distant thought after Belos. Internal cleaning crews getting the last of that goop up and outta there.
(They didn't get it all. Sometimes he still hears echos of Belos' voice ridiculing him in his dreams as he beats Leo to a pulp in the giant mechanical suit in the space wreckage. Who needs sleep right?)
He looks around a little at the setting their brains honed in on and that's fitting. The ultimate place of trust, where Raph finally was able to put it on the line and let them save him.]
Sooooo..... [Turns out he's bad at starting these conversations. The waterfall behind him's surface reflecting a bit of his own feelings - nervous, bouncy energy, contained in a small glass box starting to crack under the pressure.]
Re: Day ~90 probably
(Mind meld is almost exactly the same thing.) ]
So.
[ Raph drums his fingers on his leg for a few seconds. Once in a while he really wishes he was better at detailed approaches. Because in moments like these, the drawbacks of "well I know what I need to get to, so I'll go in that direction and deal with whatever crosses my path on the way" really shine. Leaves Mind Raph putting on blast for him that he should've had a first point to touch picked out.
He'll make do. He's the one who asked for this talk, so the ball's his to pick up. ]
I... [ Frustration, mostly self-directed. Raph is not his own go-to guy if he needs words done well. ]
You didn't really want it when dad put you in charge, did you.
[ We did it fam. Raph got there, and it only took from the series finale until roughly one IC day ago. ]
Re: Day ~90 probably
No. No, I uh. Really didn't. I still don't know why he did that- [Confusion, irritation. But mostly confusion, and feeling overwhelmed. Leo hadn't ever wanted to be in charge of anything, it was too much.] I mean, you had it just fine before all that, and especially after this [He gestures to the Falls around them, that moment sort of crystalized in his memory. The moment Raph let them help him.] happened, so I dunno what dad was thinking.
Re: Day ~90 probably
Raph doesn't feel any relief to know it. He's glad that it brings Leo relief to have the band-aid ripped off. Sincerely.
It may be a little muddled in alongside a veritable cocktail. Hurt, some fresh, some older. A worn-in what did I do wrong that comes standard in a son-of-Splinter, overall Hamato clan emotional starter kit. Confusion of his own, another spike of frustration that he tries to wrangle down.
(Some thread of dry amusement. Because of course Leo wouldn't see why, somehow. Of course for all the million things he notices about everything else, he'd miss something that clear about himself.) ]
Why didn't you just tell me?
Re: Day ~90 probably
He lets that cool mist from the falls keep him a little calmer. Why did Dad do this to them? Because it does feel like something he chose to do to them, and not an agreement they all came to together. Maybe if it'd been worked up to, maybe if it had been discussed, it could've been easier. Maybe Leo would've even felt prepared.]
How was I supposed to? [There's no heat to the question, just a genuine question.] Dad had expectations of me, and you were dealing with the change...
Re: Day ~90 probably
It still stings. If Raph's honest. Their dad making that call and stepping back like it wasn't a big deal, like it couldn't be life or death if something serious happened (said a highly intense and historically overprotective king).
Not mad, not bitter, not even really surprised. Just stung and disappointed.
... well.
Maybe a little mad specifically right now. ]
Leo, you're like a hundred times more important than either of those!
[ No, come on, reel it in some, Raph. Get a grip. Yelling is not communicating. He can do it. He can kinda sorta do it.
He can't do it. He wants to punch the sun as if it'll prove his point. The entire planet should know he's offended on Leo's behalf and not a hundred percent sure who the right offense target is. ]
Re: Day ~90 probably
Disbelief. A little mild confusion that Raph is offended on his behalf? Shouldn't he be offended for himself? He instinctively wants to ask: Am I more important than those expectations? His own self-doubt creeping in. He knows, logically, emotionally, that they all care about each other and want each other to be happy and safe. But there's still sometimes that feeling. Those times way early on his suggestions or plans were glossed over, his sharing he few things he purely enjoys with them to be made a joke (he REALLY wanted them to be as psyched as he was about MTH.
Not the point. It isn't the point of this conversation. Leo shakes his head a little to jostle those thoughts before he goes too deep into that. Focus. Regroup.]
What should I have done then?
Re: Day ~90 probably
Feeling Leo's side of the equation is enough to push Raph from trying to get a handle to actually getting a handle. He shakes his hands out to try to dismiss the tension, looks down at them.
It mostly feels like guilt. A stone-heavy sense of responsibility for what Leo's feeling, second nature. Some confusion for the confusion-- he thought he was pretty clear?
Raph doesn't have an answer on tap for the question right away. He hesitates. Flounders a little, trying to figure out what to say and where to start. ]
Tell me? Text me. Stick a note to my shell.
[ Is it even about "should've done" or "did wrong"??? Because it feels like that's a side step away from the point. How is he supposed to know? (He's the one who's here. He guesses whether he knows or not doesn't matter. He needs to know anyway.) ]
Why was I gonna push back if I thought you really wanted to give it a shot?
Re: Day ~90 probably
[He says it easily enough now that the hump of starting the conversation is over.]
But then you never tried to fight me about it or try to take it back, so I figured maybe you didn't want it all those years either, and I didn't wanna shove it back on you-
[It was a dumb, sixteen year old idea. The thought that maybe he could annoy Raph into taking it back. But even as those two months went on, Leo regretted it. But it was one of those situations where once he took the first step, he couldn't go back. Not without a lot of awkwardness he wanted to avoid.]
...After I'd done all that, if I'd come to you and really told you I didn't want it and asked you to take it back, would you have?
Re: Day ~90 probably
He doesn't know if he's hurt that Leo tried to manipulate his way out of it or relieved that's what it was all along. Not just-- looking at something Raph worked hard at, took seriously, something important, and deciding it wasn't worth all that.
Relieved, maybe. He's leaning that way. ]
Yeah. I would've. [ At least that answer's easy. He's the big brother. He did it before, he could do it again. After unlocking their ninpo, after Shredder, it would've been less terrifying. Less lonely. But... ]
I mean, maybe I would've put out some feelers about, uh. Playin' training wheels for you. Or working out a system where you could take point on some missions. I dunno. 'cause you're good, y'know? You're a natural. And I trust you. [ And there, reflected in the water, a little wave of light passing through it, is blue.
Leo was the first one he learned to trust like that. ]
Pops didn't think that idea up just for kicks, buddy.
[ Leo sees more angles. Usually has a good read on people. Has a good head for detailed planning. Knows how to motivate, cares about everyone being safe. He's really good. Would it have been fair to hold him back from growing into it? ]
Re: Day ~90 probably
But Raph does trust him. Raph trusted him when Leo asked him to, and it means the world to him. Knowing his big brother will trust him when the chips are down.]
I- [Uggghhhh talking. They are talking and working this out, not arguing.] I know. I know, you and dad think I'd be good at it.
...But after everything that happened, I dunno if I'm the best choice there.
Re: Day ~90 probably
Raph's starting to wonder, between this and the Witch Town memory he saw a while back, if it turns out he actually did inherit their dad's way of assuming everyone else was on the same thoughts and feelings level about stuff and barreling forward with it.
All the nagging and lecturing and pushing he did not wanting Leo to have to learn the tough parts the hard way, to feel like he used to feel, and he never stopped to ask if Leo felt the way he used to feel already. Right from jump.
Raph shrugs one shoulder. ]
I still think you're a great choice. If you ever do want it. I'm proud of you either way.
[ That Is A Threat. He'll be very proud.
If, uh. Also quietly absolutely terrified of Leo making a choice to sacrifice himself like that again. ]
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